Jamie Oliver hates the environment, animals

McDonald’s (which is popular on the site today) has caved to British television chef, Jamie Oliver, in what is the latest salvo in his War to Waste Food.

The fast food giant pledged to stop using “pink slime,” a product of treating lean beef scraps with ammonia to render them safe for human consumption, in their hamburger patties. Which means that when the sign out front says “over 250 billion served,” they could mean the number of cows or acres of rainforest consumed by increased cattle-herding.

In the past, Mr. Oliver railed against the use of what is normally considered unusable scraps, including ground-up bone and marrow in chicken nuggets. This led to certain meat dispensaries, including Wendy’s, to start selling “all white meat” nuggets. Environmental scientists still haven’t gauged the groundwater damage caused by the increased demand for whole chickens, whose feces must be managed properly.

Meanwhile, in the factory district just outside town: Oscar Meyer hot dogs are still not made from 100 percent Kobe beef. This looks like a job for … some British TV star!

The good die young, old

As a recently engaged SeriouslyGuy (Rick bit the dust first), I’ve been hearing the rounds from friends, “there goes another good one.” But one of the original bachelors, one who has been dating high-school girls for over 50 years, has finally realized he’s got no other options.

That’s right kids, Archie has popped the question and will now be forced to suppply an endless amount of hamburgers at his wedding at the expense of Jughead.