Tag: happy hour

Come on, get happy, Massachusetts

Massachusetts, it could be said, is angry. Or sad. Or just indifferent. We’re not sure, they’re just not happy, or at least, their hours haven’t been in decades. And unfortunately, it may stay that way.

Lawmakers have floated the idea of maybe bringing back happy hour to the state for years, but a recent report alludes to that not happening.

The report, issued Thursday by the Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission, found that many restaurant owners feared the changes would create a ‘race to the bottom,’ in which establishments would try to undercut each other’s prices to the extent that their business models would no longer be viable.

Spoken like people who fear money. People of Massachusetts, don’t let this stand. Contact your legislators to have happy hour return to your state! Viva la boozion!

It’s the happiest of hours somewhere

Despite having a rich and fine tradition of drunken antics, drunken racists, drunken idiots and drunken revelry, happy hour does not exist in Massachusetts. Well, more specifically, happy hour specials don’t exist in Massachusetts.

That may now be a thing of the past.

Two state senators, one a Democrat, one a Republican, set aside their political differences to help the most important part of the economy: booze. In the old set-up, a state laws prevent discounts on alcoholic drinks in restaurants if they’re specials of the daily or hourly variety; however, casinos were allowed to serve free alcohol.

The newly passed amendment now allows restaurants outside of casinos to serve the same promotions that casinos are able to serve. Free booze for all!

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.