It was in their name the whole time

As any medical drama will resort to when the ratings get low, the scariest murderers are doctors because, as protectors of human life, they know every off-switch (like our susceptibility to grillbrush bristles). Or how, according to police dramas in a similar pickle, cops make the best criminals.

Well, it was only a matter of time before firemen — or firepeople, as they’re called nowadays — lived up to the ironic double-meaning of their name. It turned out they were both flammable and inflammable this whole time.

… What? Those words mean the same thing? Then what do you call things that can’t be set on fire? Forget it. This is just a rehash of our old argument that somehow “pervy” isn’t the opposite of “impervious.”

How To: Survive a monster attack

History teaches us all something very important: monsters are out there and they will kill you. Wait, wasn’t it history that said there were dragons flying around and sea monsters at the ends of the Earth?

Maybe it’s Hollywood. Yes, Hollywood teaches us that monsters are out there and they will kill you. Take Cloverfield for example, something attacks New York and you get to see it firsthand through a herky-jerky hand held camera. This is not just entertainment, this is a cautionary tale. You can trust Hollywood, when have they ever lied to you? All they have ever done is make you laugh, cry and become infatuated with organized crime. That’s not wrong, is it?

Because the threat of monsters is ever-present, The Guys bring you this survival guide in case the worst should happen, and by the worst, we mean something large, green and ugly stumbles into town asking about you.

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