Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

The McBournie Minute: The ‘Star Wars’ franchise is overrated

When I was in sixth grade, my friend Michael explained to me that there were supposed to be more than just three Star Wars movies. His uncle worked at Industrial Lights and Magic, and was involved in the animation of the light sabers and blasters. He explained that the reason the original (and then, the only) trilogy had episode titles was that George Lucas had a master plan for trilogies to take place before and after the movies we knew.

Less than a decade later, the world had three new Star Wars films to enjoy. They weren’t worth the wait, but that didn’t stop fans from keeping up their appetites for more. When The Phantom Menace was released, everyone hoped the next one would be better, then they hoped the third one would be the prequel they had dreamed of. It didn’t happen that way.

Perhaps it’s time we stop getting so excited about Star Wars. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The ‘Star Wars’ franchise is overrated

You Missed It: Air mail edition

Another example of wasteful spending by the U.S. Postal Service.
Another example of wasteful spending by the U.S. Postal Service.

Look, I like beer. I drink it, some would say too much of it, and I brew my own every now and then. I’m pretty glad to see that people are trying out new beers and testing the boundaries all the time. But there are some things that just don’t need to happen, like New Belgium and Ben & Jerry’s teaming up for Salted Caramel Brownie brown ale. I like New Belgium, they do some fine beers. And I like Ben & Jerry’s, especially since I’m from Vermont. But that doesn’t mean that we need a beer that tastes like ice cream. If craft beer drinkers can criticize A-B Inbev for their [Fruit Flavor]-A-Rita abominations, they must hit New Belgium just as hard. If you were busy getting reinstated by the NFL after beating your child this week, odds are you missed it.

The mail gets through
This week, the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from Florida, because of course he was. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?

When Matthew McConaughey cries
Predictably, people collectively lost their minds after another trailer for the new Star Wars movie dropped this week. This one showed the famed Millennium Falcon being chased by Imperial forces, like the last one. However, considering what we now know about Harrison Ford’s flying abilities, we should give Chewbacca more credit than we do for keeping that thing in one piece.

The bus is on fire
Country group Lady Antebellum’s tour bus caught fire in Texas on Thursday. The bus was pretty much gutted, but everyone got out of the bus without being harmed. Don’t worry, God, you’ll get them next time.

You Missed It: Engine failure edition

"Get off my plane--please, you're bending the wing."
“Get off my plane–please, you’re bending the wing.”

Sunday marks the beginning of Daylight Saving Time. Seems like it’s a little early this year, doesn’t it? I checked, and apparently it’s this time every year. But, like, winter’s not over. It hasn’t warmed up yet. It’s still snowing on the East Coast. How the hell are we supposed to set our clocks ahead so that we can have more daylight for farming? Seems like waiting for the ground to thaw would be prudent. If you were busy telling people off for making creepy comments about your daughter on Twitter this week, odds are you missed it.

Harrison Ford survives crash worthy of Harrison Ford
Actor Harrison Ford, 71, was injured on Thursday when he crashed his World War II training plane in California. The single-engine plane apparently had problems shortly after takeoff, and Ford tried to return to the landing strip. Doctors say the actor sustained a cut to his face, and broke his pelvis and ankle. He was praised for taking it down on a golf course, saving lives by missing homes nearby. But folks, he may have just saved us all from a Blade Runner sequel sure to tarnish the original.

Private secretary
This week, it was reported that while serving as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton used her personal email account for to conduct official business. The concern here is that the federal government doesn’t have control over her personal email address, so it can’t vouch for the security of those communications. She has since trotted out the campaign slogan, “Hillary 2016: I Only Use SnapChat Now.”

B like Mike
Forbes magazine this week published its annual list of billionaires, with Michael Jordan as the newest addition, even though it seems like he should’ve been on that list decades ago. Upon hearing the news, the few Atlantic City casinos still open issued Jordan a hearty congratulations and invited him to stay any time.

Indiana Jones and the War on Animals

What a surprise! Hollywood stars are coming together in Washington, D.C. to protest a war. Once again, the liberal elite are trying to make us lose a war, but this time Harrison Ford, Bo Derek and Robert Duvall made an appearance to save the tigers, as if they need saving.

No one really cares about what Bo Derek thinks, and Robert Duvall played Robert E. Lee, so we shouldn’t be shocked when he rises against his government, but Indy?! Why, Indy? WHYYYYY?!

This is believed to be the biggest celebrity coup in the War on Animals since the military tribunal and subsequent execution of Captain Kangaroo.