It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.
White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.
Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.
Man, did you hear what George R.R. Martin said about his next book? There’s going to be more death. If you’re a fan of the books or the HBO show Game of Thrones, you’ll know that this is a huge spoiler, because no one ever dies. I can’t wait to see how this completely changes up the series, and then wait another seven years for the book after that. If you were busy dumping dumping water over your head only seconds after putting ice cubes in it this week, odds are you missed it.
The only positive news of the week
Two America humanitarian workers who contracted the Ebola virus were released from their respective hospitals after responding well to experimental treatments. They made headlines weeks ago when the federal government flew them back from Africa, where they had been treating sick people. Their families are said to be relieved that they have recovered, but not exactly in a hurry to welcome them back home.
Not able to Reid the room
Sen. Harry Reid issued an apology this week after making some racially insensitive comments while speaking at the Las Vegas Asian Chamber of Commerce. He jokingly said to the group something to the effect of how they aren’t all as smart as their stereotype would have us believe. Reid later said he was sorry for the comment, and that he “sometimes says the Wong thing.”
50 Cent sets an example for the kids
Boxer Floyd Mayweather has been challenged to read a book on Jimmy Kimmel Live. In a series of Instagram videos, rapper 50 Cent has been challenging Mayweather to read The Cat in the Hat to prove that he is in fact literate. Does anyone remember back when beefs were actually cool?
Senate Majority Lead Harry Reid, D-Nev., discontinued his latest run after falling in the street. The impact resulted in a black eye and dislocated shoulder, which opponents believe are unrecoverable, killing any future runs.
Despite his early, hard exit, analysts predict Sen. Reid will still win this race by at least 3,000 votes.
No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar: clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.
“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”
Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.
I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.
“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”
The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.
I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.