Once bitten, twice shy, thrice … cursed?
The animals of the world clearly have it out for Dylan McWilliams, a 20-year-old from Colorado. While on vacation in Hawaii last week he was bitten by a shark. Luckily, he was able to make it back to shore and received a few stitches to his leg. But that wasn’t his first run-in with a deadly animal.
Last year, McWilliams was teaching a survival skills course in his home state when a bear wandered over and attacked him. McWilliams taught his students how to survive a bear attack that day, as at one point the bear had his head in its mouth. Authorities later hunted down and killed the bear. And even that wasn’t McWilliams’ first animal attack.
While hiking in Utah several years ago, he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Fortunately, there wasn’t much venom released, and the dose he got only sickened him for a while.
Congratulations, Dylan McWilliams, you are a shining example to mankind. But you may want to figure out why you’re so tasty.
U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!
You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!
But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise. Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.
This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.
There are many foes to humanity in the War on Animals. Some are more obvious than others. While the hedgehog has quills that disperse the most virulent strain of AIDS in nature (citation pending), people still think they make cute pets.
But, there’s no question when it comes to sharks. It should go without saying that sharks are one of man’s oldest enemies. Why, if you open their stomachs, you’ll find SCUBA tanks inside. That’s right: they don’t even bother to outright eat humans, just take our air and leave us to drown.
So, why does Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle love sharks?
So, how about that leak in the Gulf of Mexico, right?
You’re probably expecting a punchline about how terrible it is, or how many animals are going to die or how we could have avoided all of this by investing more in alternative renewable energy back in the 70s.
Well, you’re not going to get that here. In fact, I think this is a good thing. Allow me show you how, in every oil spoil, there’s a rainbow lining.
NOTE: Rick Snee is writing this article of its own free will. Any checks from BP have not cleared yet.
Continue reading Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill
Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.
Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?
OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss
We started off the week telling you about how the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile terrorized a Wisconsin neighborhood, so it seems only right that we get another tale, this time in Hawaii.
Apparently, the hot dog and bun-shaped motor vehicle was so ashamed of its Roethlisberger-esque incident, it had itself airlifted to the Pacific island state to get away from it all. But it ran into even more trouble. It seems the phallic car might be in violation of a state law banning vehicular advertising.
The complaint comes from, get this, an environmental group that hopes to ban the wienermobile from ever coming to Hawaii again. That will probably go double for the bolognacycle.
You know you were waiting for it. To some degree, I was too. I’m not speaking about the fact that it’s Friday, but that YMI is here once again. There’s also a little excitement about the weekend and all that, but whatever. If you were busy waiting a UFO at a theme park this week, odds are you missed it.
And that’s the way it is
Reports are coming in that legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy Walter Cronkite, 92, is very sick and will likely die. The CBS news man reached an iconic level for his 19 years anchoring, as well as reporting for several decades. Cronkite stood as shining example of what broadcast journalism could be–unbiased, un-opinionated and unflinching, which are now seen as quaint little ideas in the news media today. Since he’s sick, I’m going to call it right now. Walter Cronkite is dead and will be missed dearly. If only it were Dan Rather
America’s mistress industry needs bailouts
Up-and-coming GOP Sen. John Ensign admitted this week that he had an affair (with a woman). Normally, this is enough to get you in trouble in Washington, but there’s more. It turns out that Ensign was using taxpayer money to pay her and her family for a while. So that’s the moral and fiscal responsibility Republicans keep preaching about!
Freedom is the only way
North Korea is at it again, it seems. The country announced that it plans to fire a missile in the Pacific Ocean toward Hawaii sometime soon, possibly on the Fourth of July. Much of the world is watching anxiously, as Kim Jong Il and his evil army have access to numerous chemical and biological weapons. In other news, Team America 2 is coming this summer. F$%* yeah.
We found out during the campaign that the man who now is going to be our next president (how’s THAT for some fun grammar?) is not a bad guy to have at a bar. However, we now know he’s way cooler than we ever expected. Better yet, he knows journalists.
While on vacation in Hawaii, President-elect Barack Obama ran into some journalists at a snack bar while he was golfing. In an effort to shoo them away, he suggested they go to the bar and drink. Then he said he’d buy them a round if they went up to the bar (called the 19th hole on golf courses) and drank.
This shows amazing perception on Obama’s part, because (ethics be damned!) if there’s one thing more tempting to a reporter than alcohol, it’s free alcohol. And if there’s one thing more tempting than free alcohol, it’s a challenge to drink that free alcohol.
Yet, some namby pamby CNN reporter named Ed Henry, had to go and sound like our current teetotaler president.
“And just for the record: your faithful correspondent, while enjoying the wonders of Waikiki beach, never drinks — at least not on the job.”
Henry, you are a disgrace to your profession.
Everyone has seen Jaws, I’m assuming. The tale (pun intended) of a blood-thirsty shark willing to kill Richard Dreyfus at any cost. But then again, isn’t that in theory all of us? I know I never forgave him for Mr. Holland’s Opus. Anyways, from this film (Jaws, not Opus, keep up) we learned what science and The Discovery Channel had yet to inform us of: sharks are deadly and they eat people. Don’t let A Shark’s Tale or Finding Nemo fool you, we have a conspiracy theory that Disney may in fact be working with the animals, see: Mickey, Goofy, Donald and some rabid chipmunks named after male strippers.
However, the shark from this story in Hawaii has a refined palate apparently too good for us. After a taste of Todd Murashige, the shark decided he would go on his merry way for a tastier snack than the local surfer.
While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.
In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.
And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.