Over the weekend, the citizens of Hawaii had the scare of their lives. A warning came in on their phones of a ballistic missile on its way, insisting that it was not a drill. The panic continues for the better part of an hour, until the news spread that it was a false alarm. What did Hawaiians do after hearing the news? They grabbed their phones or laptops and dropped trou.
The website Pornhub said it saw a spike in traffic from Hawaii immediately after the false alarm was sounded. A spike of 48% above the traffic for a typical Saturday morning, to be exact. This came after a 77% drop in traffic from the state during the missile panic.
Don’t judge Hawaiians until you’ve been through an ICBM scare yourself.
We live in a world where a fungus can do to your lady what you can’t.
According to a recent study, there is an unnamed fungus species that grows only around Hawaiian lava flows that are hundreds of years old. Apparently it’s learned a few things, because it can make women have an orgasm with a single smell. The fungus was first discovered in 2001, but better research on the fungus was delayed (let’s blame 9/11). We now know that about half of women tested had a spontaneous climax. Male subjects had nothing.
This is an opportune time to introduce The Guys’ new cologne, “Fungus of the Fire Rock.” Look for it in stores this holiday season.
We’re certain that President Obama will be welcome to stay as long as he likes, contrary to however Higgins feels about it. And, should he ever get kicked out, he can crash at Rick’s Cafe American, which will most likely be run by Joe Biden by that point.
Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?
But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.
Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.
In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.
The latte-swilling intellectuals of Hawaii have to find something else to listen to now, because Hawaii Public Radio is off the air in some places, because of snails.
Some nasty storms knocked out HPR’s main relay facility last month, the signal has been hard to come by for part of Oahu. Repairs can’t happen because an endangered species of tree snail is mating there right now. That means crews can’t go into the forest without supervision, and coordinating that takes time.
Surfers tend to get a lot of flack for potentially being morons, but in truth, they’re some of the best recon soldiers in the War on Animals. Their ability to crest open waves and suss out aquatic enemies is invaluable for our naval battles.
But some of the sea-based enemy combatants are fairly large. Warrior of the Week Jeff Horton encountered one such rival recently in beautiful Kauai. Unfortunately for him, it tried to attack him with a fury, clearly ignorant of war-time peace protocols. A large shark, attacking Horton, in what’s not necessarily our territory, doesn’t exactly bode well for a good story. So what did the surfer do?
People, get your guns, your swords, your boxing gloves. Have them at the ready. Sleep with them. Eat with them. Poop with them. No matter what, be prepared to take arms at a moment’s notice. There’s no better sign than this: the war is on.