Stupak is as Stupak does

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

  • Gynecology: In a way, isn’t it just gloved finger-rape of our wives and girlfriends?
  • Chemotherapy: Bald, sickly people give us the heebie-jeebies.
  • All Cancer Treatment in General: Almost all cancers are lifestyle-induced. How can we know if someone didn’t get cancer from smoking or kicking puppies?

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

The McBournie Minute: How do I get on one of these death panels?

I’m a big fan of Sarah Palin. In fact, I’m probably one of the few people south of Manitoba who knew who she was before John McCain chose her as his running mate. She’s perky, she’s smarmy and she’s a snappy dresser. She has a way of looking down at you through her glasses while she tells you you’re stupid and hate the troops because you dared ask her a question.

As dames go, she’s an alright broad. In fact, I’d like to say that she’s my friend, only she hasn’t accepted the request on Facebook. Still, I get to follow her by her fan page. That’s how I happened upon her most recent editorial against the health care bill that was shoehorned through the U.S. House of Representatives recently.

Set aside your “socialism” claims and concern for the future of the American health care system as we know it, the death panels are back–at least according to Palin. So since I can’t ask her directly, I’ll ask her here: how do I get on one of these death panels? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: How do I get on one of these death panels?

You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition

Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.

Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.

Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.

Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3’s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.

We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.

Ye Missed It: A pirate’s life for ye edition

The wind be shiftin’. Ye can see it in the sails by the yardarm, can’t ye. Aye, that be the stiff wind of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Are ye ready for tomorrow? Ye can be assured your humble captain is, tricorn hat and all. If ye were too busy gaining 30 pounds fer yer new movie, odds are ye missed it.

Condoms be fer sailors
Lancet, a British medicine journal, said climate change could be curbed by givin’ women contraceptives. The argument bein’ that if fewer wenches are having little land lubbers, there be fewer people to pollute. In related news, the Catholic Church hates the envir’nment because it says ye can’t wrap up her anchor in any lagoon.

The power o’ Christ compels ye
Speakin’ o’ Christianity, conservative Christians gathered in Washingt’n, D.C. to protest President Barack Obama’s agenda–not things he has actually done, just things he has talked about doin’. The scurvy dogs say healthcare reform be at the top o’ their list o’ grievances. Because, you know, providin’ fer those in need is not what Christianity be about.

So much fer her happy endin’
After a little over three years o’ marriage, Avril Lavigne and Sum Fahrty-One frontman Deryck Whibley are splittin’. Ye know what this means, the break in the assault on our ears be over, too. Ye can bet as soon as those Canadian bilge pumpers finish dividin’ up the dubloons, they’ll be back makin’ horrible sea shanties.