Doctor prefers Republican penises

Dr. Jack Cassell of Florida (where else?) put a sign on his door: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere.”

Cassell defended his sign, saying that he’s not actively turning patients away, “but if they read the sign and turn the other way,” then it f#%king worked. So, if you disagree with the pee-pee doctor’s politics, then you’re just gonna have to care for your new Candiru yourself.

Personally, we applaud Cassell’s efforts. It’s not every day that a doctor let’s you know he’s lousy at his profession before you even walk in the door. That’s service.

Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Health care reform was signed into law this week. Half the country is not happy. They feel like everything they know about health care and the insurance industry (which is, by design of both systems, not much) has been turned on its head and that this is the beginning of the end of America.

I could write a counter-argument about why they’re exaggerating this situation, trying to vilify the half of America that thinks it’s a good idea.

I could ignore them and celebrate a minuscule victory that, in the long scheme, will matter very little to the day-to-day lives of most people.

But both of those options would just be an insult to their pain. The way I figure, the debate’s over, so it’s time to get back together. To reunite over the things that we all love and hate. Here is the list that could very well usher in a new era of harmony … until the next bill is proposed.

(Please send all Nobel Peace Prizes to my work address. I’ve got some coworkers in dire need of a good flauntin’.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Who gives a f#%k?

ABC News wants to know what you think about grown-up Joe Biden using the *gasp* F-word at a recent press event!

Weak hearts and simple minds are allegedly a-flutter because the Vice President described the passage of health care reform as “a big f#%king deal.” Was he wrong? Does it not matter? Even if you disagree with the bill, doesn’t the ushering-in of socialism merit a “BFD?”

How are you handling Joe’s language? Do you need to sit down? Maybe a nice warm glass of “Go f#%k yourself” will calm your prissy nerves.

Stupak is as Stupak does

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

  • Gynecology: In a way, isn’t it just gloved finger-rape of our wives and girlfriends?
  • Chemotherapy: Bald, sickly people give us the heebie-jeebies.
  • All Cancer Treatment in General: Almost all cancers are lifestyle-induced. How can we know if someone didn’t get cancer from smoking or kicking puppies?

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)

Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.

As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.

Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

This is, of course, Glenn Beck’s fault

You gotta feel for Sean Hannity. For years, he was everyone’s favorite Fox News host to hate since O’Reilly would–occasionally–prove his independent politics. But, then Glenn Beck moved over from CNN.

Suddenly, waving a flag to match the one on your lapel while asking why liberals are traitors wasn’t crazy enough anymore. Where’s your tears, Sean? Are you too wussy to quake and cry for your homeland? We bet Colmes could blow a snot bubble for the greatest nation on Earth!

What’s a guy to do when he’s losing his ratings to a man who invites America to teaparties? Why, doctor video footage of Michelle Bachmann’s anti-health care rally with footage from a better-attended one to make it look like more than 10,000 people skipped work to protest the laziness of others.

The McBournie Minute: How do I get on one of these death panels?

I’m a big fan of Sarah Palin. In fact, I’m probably one of the few people south of Manitoba who knew who she was before John McCain chose her as his running mate. She’s perky, she’s smarmy and she’s a snappy dresser. She has a way of looking down at you through her glasses while she tells you you’re stupid and hate the troops because you dared ask her a question.

As dames go, she’s an alright broad. In fact, I’d like to say that she’s my friend, only she hasn’t accepted the request on Facebook. Still, I get to follow her by her fan page. That’s how I happened upon her most recent editorial against the health care bill that was shoehorned through the U.S. House of Representatives recently.

Set aside your “socialism” claims and concern for the future of the American health care system as we know it, the death panels are back–at least according to Palin. So since I can’t ask her directly, I’ll ask her here: how do I get on one of these death panels? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: How do I get on one of these death panels?

Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests

Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia

August 1, 2009 Meeting Minutes

Attendance: 3,171, of which 3,101 were new members as of November 5, 2008.

Icebreaker: Loudest gun mods and quietest homemade silencers contest

Pat Simmons won for loudest gun modification by adding a police siren and glass pack to his Browning Automatic Rifle.

He narrowly edged out second place, (his brother) Greg Simmons’ similar modification, by yelling, “USA!” very loudly while firing. Greg tried to yell, too, but he had already lost his voice at the Ted Nugget tribute show last night at the Flying-J.

Jerome Lyzon won for quietest homemade silencer by skewering a summer sausage with his .357 magnum. For the record, Lyzon added that there’s nothing gay to be taken from that and shut up, you’re queer. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests

Welcome to debate via the Internet

Democratic House and Senate leaders are shocked–shocked–that people are shouting disruptively in Democrats’ town hall meetings concerning health care reform.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader Steny Hoyer have gone so far to call protestor’s efforts, including hanging a Maryland congressman in effigy, “un-American.”

Really? “Un-American?” We’re digging that term up again from the Iraq War?

This statement proves only one thing: Pelosi and her peers haven’t noticed that this is how Americans discuss important issues, whether it’s in O’Reilly’s studio or in the comments section of Daily Kos.

There are no civil dialogues, especially when political organizations, action groups and marketing departments can compose a slogan for you to shout. If you’re echoing the viewpoints of someone with questionable qualifications on television or radio without looking up the facts yourself, then there is nothing more American to date.