I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.
Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.
Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.
Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?
Huffington founded the Huffington Post as an if-you-can’t-beat-them liberal alternative to the Drudge Report, serving up blue meat to people who read as uncritically on the Left as Drudge’s audience on the Right. Their model of repackaging existing news into rage-fests and “think-pieces” with clickbait headlines — as well as promoting (but mercifully not paying) bloggers with no discernible journalistic skills — dragged down the rest of our media, resulting in the presidential candidates we have today.
So, considering the amount of garbage health reporting online, we can’t wait to see what new depths Huffington manages to drag it down to. But, while we wait for Thrive to launch, you can catch a sample from our very own Dr. Snee.
It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)
“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.
There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.
The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.
So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.
I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.
Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.
Late last week, a blog post about drinking soda went viral. I don’t know how Facebook curates its tending news stories list, but for some reason, the site thought I’d be interested in reading about it. Normally, I avoid blog posts about nutrition, weight loss and stuff like that, because they’re all written by kooks with clear agendas. There’s no reason to believe unsupported health claims made by someone writing for something like Vegan Heroes Against GMO than if they were writing about how Obama is the devil for Libertarian Tea Party Bald Eagles United.
But typically stories like that are posted by the friends you avoid having conversations with for good reason. This one was in that Facebook news feed thing, which doesn’t mean it’s more credible, but it at least means a lot of people are reading it, so I decided to check it out.
Temperatures dipped above 32 degrees (that’s Fahrenheit to our Unamerican readers) in the DC/Northern Virginia region, which meant white people, including yours truly, out in shorts.
After the holidays and what turned out to be a longer winter than expected, our newly exposed thighs made two things readily apparent: we are all
very pale and
out of shape
Coupled with the with the next logical realization — that it will soon be summer and your bathing suit mightdoesn’t fit anymore — and we’ve entered the season of Re-Resolutioning. (Resolved this time for real.)
Those two weeks at the gym in January were only the preamble to the new fit you. Besides, who wants to work out inside, right? We belong outside like our ripped, primitive forebears!
If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.
For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.
Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.
Our children are in danger, even at school, a place where they should be able to feel safe, if anywhere. The biggest threat the youth of American feel today, is of course, Axe body spray.
For some reason, canisters of this stuff are legal for citizens to buy, because of the Bill of Rights. Even though our forefathers could never have anticipated the dangers we face today, we haven’t banned this stuff. Emergency crews were recently called to a prep school in Brooklyn, N.Y., after one such canister was released in a 6th grade classroom. Eight students were hospitalized and two others went to their family doctors.
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, it’s the more or less fall. (We still have over two weeks left of summer, technically.) And with autumn, it’s time for football. If you’re also trying to keep off the weight you lost this summer, we’ve got some good news and bad news.
The bad news is that there’s a decent chance that you’re going to get fat again this season, but the good news is that it’s not your fault, it’s your sh&%#y team’s. According to a new study, when your team loses, you will likely eat 16% more saturated fats than you would normally. And that jerk rooting for the winning team? He’s going to eat 9% less saturated fats than usual.
This is probably why there are so many obese people in the Midwest.