There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

In case you’re skimming through this, that’s “fragile rockers,” not “Fraggle Rockers.” I will discuss the medical issues of Gobo and the gang in a column some time in the future.

As many of you now already know, we lost Ronnie James Dio yesterday. He died of stomach cancer, surrounded by friends and of course, lots of fake blood. His death brings a sobering moment to us all, especially the metal community, who are among the most conscious of mortuary affairs of all musicians.

What his death points out is something very important: our rock singers are not as flawless and ageless as they would have us believe. No, they are mere mortals, blessed with the ability to rock us. What can we do to save them? There’s no easy answer. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

The McBournie Minute: Wine, women and weight

Women readers, and I mean both of you, it’s time we had a chat.

You’re getting older–everyone is–but you’re getting increasingly worried about how age could affect you and the looks you strive so hard to maintain. It’s easier for men, even in their younger years, they don’t need much upkeep, they don’t even really care if they put on a few pounds or get a little salt in their pepper. For some reason, they still look good.

Meanwhile, you ladies have to deal with a society that constantly judges you on your looks. From childhood, you were conditioned to want to look pretty, and it was reinforced when other girls would either mock you or respect you based on your appearance. Now that you’re getting older, perhaps you’re worried about gaining weight with age, not to mention childbirth. Science has a solution: alcohol. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Wine, women and weight

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

With the health care bill now being debated in the U.S. Senate (take a walk with me, it will be entertaining, I promise) and winter now upon us, there is a lot of talk about how to keep healthy despite colds, H1N1 and children that want us out of the way so that they can eat all the candy they want.

Right now I have a cold, but that is fairly unusual for me. You see, I have what is called a strong immune system (which female can detect through their sense of smell, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Right now I have The Thing That’s Going Around. You know, the nose, the throat, the cough. It sucks.

So I’m here this week to give you a few pointers on how to stay healthy, and should you fail at this, get better soon. You’re welcome, America. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

Take it from Dr. Snee: Healthy tips for healthy living

Every day, I receive more and more emails about the swine flu, vaccines and restraining orders I’ve violated. I wanted to believe that I’m better than that, that common medical queries and accusations of unwanted (yeah right) advances were beneath me.

Well, I am, but somebody has failed you. I blame the public schools, which do not deserve my money to address their shortcomings. (You want better funding? Get a government loan and go to medical school like I did!*)

However, there’s no need to go into specifics about silly hot button issues that any practitioner at the free clinic can tell you about, not when the real issue here is how to stay healthy. If you’re healthy, then swine flu and vaccines don’t matter.

Fortunately, my method is simple: the Halloween Principles of Health. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Healthy tips for healthy living

Everyone I know is a fat, diseased libertarian, just like me

We’ve got some bad news for you health nuts who hang out with morbidly obese/ diseased people to make yourself feel better (there are some out there, right?), it turns out you aren’t what you eat, you are who you hang out with.

That goes for your political views, your weight, and–wait for it–whether you have an STD. Best of all, you don’t even have to see these people very often, you just need to interact with them in some manner, like the Internet.

The Guys want to be your friend. We’re clean. We swear.

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.

Ah, the *old* fight about smoking

If there’s one group more discriminated against than tattooed people, it’s smokers.

Smokers are steadily getting up in arms — once they catch their breath — and speaking out against the new federal cigarette tax hike. The increased tax requires tobacco compaines to pay the U.S. government an additional 61.6 cents for every pack sold, effectively raising the price of a carton by $6.16.

Most of the complaints come, of course, from elderly people who have either beaten the odds of contracting — or continue to smoke in spite of — health problems.

They’re responding in typical old-personly-fashion: by boring young reporters to death …

“Larry Jukes said he remembers when he could buy 10 cigarette packs for $2.50.”

… and through guilt …

“‘I think it’s ridiculous. … They’re picking on smokers,’ [83-year-old Gloria] Egger said at the Denver store, where she bought two cartons Tuesday. ‘I think they’re trying to run the tobacco companies out of business.'”

… and by making vague, impotent threats to “them.”

“‘As old as I am, I’m not going to quit smoking, regardless of what they do,'” Egger said.

What will President Obama, a smoker who signed the tax into law, do?