Tag: heart attack

The Guys were made for your regrets

We all regret something. Some regret not taking their narcolepsy medication prior to operating a woodchipper. Others regret dropping out of their safety school instead of hunkering down and dropping out of Harvard.

And the majority of women surveyed by Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management professor Neil Roese have romantic regrets: “the one that got away, a missed opportunity or someone you knew in college [with whom] it didn’t quite work out.”

Ladies, if there’s a certain Guy you regret not going all the way with, then have we got good news for you: sex kills. We will only break your heart.

The news can hit you like a heart attack

Get it right here, folks: the spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, a large obese man, has died. Truly it’s news of the obvious.

Except he died from pneumonia. Shocking revelations! Blair River, the 575-pound spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, an Arizona restaurant famous for menu items like “quadruple bypass burgers” and “flatliner lard fries,” died at the age of 29 following a bout of the flu.

River was well-known in the community, both for his winning personality and large size. He came down with the flu and succumbed to pneumonia after four days in the hospital. Jon Basso, owner of the restaurant and friend of River, said he thought River’s obesity contributed to his death. Basso is not a doctor, but he plays one at the restaurant. However, Keith Ayoob, director of the nutrition clinic at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, agreed that was likely:

“Obesity increases your risk for just about every condition, and it can make nearly every acute health problem worse.”

We’d wish a long life to the new spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, but, well … you know.

A heartless take on a heartwarming tale

A Minnesota man has set a new bar for good Samaritans after it took 96 minutes of CPR to restart his heart. Normally, paramedics and doctors will move on after 15 minutes, tops, when brain damage sets in. But, now it looks like everyone in the waiting room will have to peruse further back issues of Highlights for nearly another hour and a half.

It took 20 people to sustain CPR on the victim, Howard Snitzer — pulling, prodding and pounding on his chest to bring him back from the Great Sizzler Buffet in the Sky. And, while he may be alive and thankful, he now has two types of herpes, a chest cold and a staph infection from the ministrations of 40 strange hands and lips on his body.

Additionally, Snitzer contracted athlete’s foot from one stander-by who does not know what CPR is.

Lord Cheney: Arise

Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.

The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.

The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).

The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.

Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.