Tag: heart attacks

Maybe our countries aren’t so different

For years, people have labeled cops into two categories: The ones in shape, and the ones that are horribly out of shape, and when we mean out of shape, brother, these men create their own shapes. Okay, so, maybe people have labeled cops in more than just those two categories, but for the purpose of this post, let’s just go with the above.

BUT, we may have now found our new across the globe brother in arms: New Delhi. Five policemen recently died on the job. The cause of death? Heart attacks in all, apparently happening while the guys were taking part in a physical fitness test required to be promoted.

So, I guess that’d place under the latter of the two categories that we mentioned earlier: The ones that are horribly out of shape. Right? Maybe not so much. While…

Most of those competing in the race were in their mid-40s and were described as “middle aged and unfit”….

and…

the constables who died had been suffering from heart complaints and high blood pressure but either “did not inform the department of their ailments or they were not themselves aware of the disease”.

It might be safe to say that New Delhi doesn’t F around with having officers that are in shape:

A further 100 officers fainted during the trial in which they had to run 10 kilometres in less than ninety minutes in high monsoon temperatures.

Clearly, New Delhi cops are like the Wu Tang Clan.

Bad news for organ donorship

Registering as an organ donor is supposed to make you feel good about death, like that part of you gets to do some good to make up for all the terrible, horrible things you did in life. It’s kind of like a saving throw into heaven, and in The Guys’ case so long as that person grows up to cure AIDS or usher peace in the Middle East.

And then Dick Cheney announces that he’s in the market for your heart.

Look, Dick. You’re nearly 70. Five heart attacks later and you’re more machine now than man. And you’re screwing somebody out of paradise just because you wanted to torture some Muslims.

So, um, no.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?

Prick.

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!