Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)

Bad news for organ donorship

Registering as an organ donor is supposed to make you feel good about death, like that part of you gets to do some good to make up for all the terrible, horrible things you did in life. It’s kind of like a saving throw into heaven, and in The Guys’ case so long as that person grows up to cure AIDS or usher peace in the Middle East.

And then Dick Cheney announces that he’s in the market for your heart.

Look, Dick. You’re nearly 70. Five heart attacks later and you’re more machine now than man. And you’re screwing somebody out of paradise just because you wanted to torture some Muslims.

So, um, no.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?


Booze your way to a healthy heart

We already know that alcohol is good for us, but scientists aren’t convinced yet. Science loves studying booze, primarily because it gives them something to talk about at the bar (“Hey baby, did you know that the damage to your liver isn’t as bad as we thought it was?”), and it’s more fun than curing diseases.

Now, a study at Harvard University, lead by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater Mukamal will see if drinking once a day (by which they mean one drink a day) helps prevent heart disease. Subjects will be given Crystal Light lemonade with grain alcohol, which I had last night, while others will just get the lemonade. First one to heart disease wins.

Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)

Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.

Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.

Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:

  • Airplane!
  • Top Secret!
  • Yentil!

So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.

Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.


MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)

I agree completely: Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

For Queen and Country

We assure you that is chocolate, not ... something else.

SeriouslyGuys tries hard to reach all of our reader demographics, so we’ve got a story just for our postmenopausal women readers under 70 years-old with diabetes (our second largest demographic after left-handed Grenada veterans).

Ladies, your nest is empty, your man is hosting playdates in his man cave and you’re living in a fort made of empty QVC boxes. If only there were some way you could get paid to eat Belgian chocolate until your heart quits. If only …

The United Kingdom needs you! The University of East Anglia in Norwich, England, will give you Belgian chocolate for one year. The catch (and there’s always one) is that they will test you five times randomly for increased risk of heart disease.

Sign up soon: they’re only testing 150 women.