The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.
So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)
Registering as an organ donor is supposed to make you feel good about death, like that part of you gets to do some good to make up for all the terrible, horrible things you did in life. It’s kind of like a saving throw into heaven, and in The Guys’ case so long as that person grows up to cure AIDS or usher peace in the Middle East.
Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.
You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.
We alreadyknow that alcohol is good for us, but scientists aren’t convinced yet. Science loves studying booze, primarily because it gives them something to talk about at the bar (“Hey baby, did you know that the damage to your liver isn’t as bad as we thought it was?”), and it’s more fun than curing diseases.
Now, a study at Harvard University, lead by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater Mukamal will see if drinking once a day (by which they mean one drink a day) helps prevent heart disease. Subjects will be given Crystal Light lemonade with grain alcohol, which I had last night, while others will just get the lemonade. First one to heart disease wins.
Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.
SeriouslyGuys tries hard to reach all of our reader demographics, so we’ve got a story just for our postmenopausal women readers under 70 years-old with diabetes (our second largest demographic after left-handed Grenada veterans).
Ladies, your nest is empty, your man is hosting playdates in his man cave and you’re living in a fort made of empty QVC boxes. If only there were some way you could get paid to eat Belgian chocolate until your heart quits. If only …