If you have a pacemaker, you probably need to back away from your computer. You also are probably glad that you have a machine that’s keeping your ticker ticking. But did you know that the government is tracking you?
In Ohio, authorities say they charged a man with arson and insurance fraud after examining the data from his pacemaker. Last fall, the 59-year-old man’s house burned down. He told police that as the house was burning, he was able to pack some bags and get them out of the house. Police obtained a warrant for the data on the man’s pacemaker, and a doctor said his heart rate did not match that of a man rushing to pack and carry heavy suitcases.
With that, police said they had enough evidence to say the man packed his suitcases ahead of time, because the fire was no accident.
If you want to keep your heart healthy, you should be having sex more often, according to researchers.
Prospective cardiologist Johannes Hinrich von Borste has reviewed the data, and found that the having of the sex helps lower blood pressure. In part, because it’s a workout, but also because of the chemicals your brain releases. Von Borste also recommends eating raw garlic daily to keep your heart healthy, but doesn’t mention how you’re supposed to be knocking boots more if you have the garlic burps.
Not that The Guys have any trouble, amiright? High five!
Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.
The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.
The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).
The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.
Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.
Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.
You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading
After several stories on the Miss California USA saga and on the heels of her appearance on Tosh.0, Lauren Caitlin Upton — the former Miss Teen South Carolina USA — agreed to write a guest post for SeriouslyGuys. Her topic is on the latest startling medical news that more than half of Britons cannot identify the heart on a diagram of the human body and 70 percent cannot identify the lungs.
I personally believe that U.K. British … are unable to do so because, uh, some … people out there, in their nation, don’t have anatomy charts.
And, uh … I believe that their education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as …
And I believe they should, uh … their education over there, in the U.K., should help the U.K. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so they will be able to build their future … for them.
Thank you, South Carolina.
According to a story in the New York Times, grape juice has many of the same health benefits as wine (story after the ad). Now you maybe be asking yourself, “Hey! They said drinking wine was good for you, so why are they celebrating the fact that one can get similar health benefits from grape juice?”
Simple, dear reader: Wine sucks.
Sure, the ladies like it, and it is sometimes also Jesus’ blood, but if you think about it, wine is one of the lamest forms of alcohol out there. It colors your teeth, it makes you tired before it makes you drunk, and you are almost certain to have a headache in the morning, regardless of how little you drink. Worst of all, wine has an element of elitism not found anywhere else in all of Boozedom.
Some may see this as a blow to the argument that drinking can be good for you. Not the health buffs here at SG. We believe that this is some of the best news possible. Now you can cast aside your corkscrew and get the health benefits you really want from grape juice, which conveniently mixes well with vodka. This means that not only can you start feeling better, but you can also get crocked for less and with something you actually enjoy drinking.
The Guys suggest our own creation:
- Two parts vodka
- One part grape juice
- One part Sprite
- Served on the rocks in as large a glass as possible, garnish of choice is optional. Remember, eating fruit is healthy.
If you see an Olympic hopeful sitting at the bar one night, leave him alone, he’s getting in shape. Also, you might want to question why you can recognize anyone trying out for the Olympics.
In any case, as it turns out, drinking is not only good for you, it can help keep you in shape. This blog has been saying this for years that 12 oz. curls are still curls. Studies now show that having a drink or two (or depending on your interpretation of “two,” 12) can help keep your heart in good shape, along with 30 to 60 minutes of daily exercise.
The Guys recommend having the drinks before you exercise, or bring the drinks in your water bottle. Like work, exercise goes by much faster if you are under the influence. Besides, it’s more fun to stagger than jog anyway.