Canadian cemeteries filling up, that’s how you get zombies

In Dawn of the Dead, we learned that when Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. If the same is true for graveyards, Canada is in some serious trouble.

All across Canada, cemeteries are running out of space to bury people. For the past 25 years, Canadian optimism has allowed them to build and build, without actually adding new cemeteries. Since the population of Canada hasn’t dropped, the math is simple. They’re basically playing a massive game of “Musical Chairs” with corpses.

But the real question here is what this will mean for Canada. Will this cause the dead to rise? Will our neighbors to the north be overrun by terribly polite zombies? Stock up on weapons now, just to be safe.

Muslim Scholar: Terrorists can go to hell

It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.

Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

Between posts about drunken superheroes and Star Trek, I’ve allowed “Take it from Snee” to devolve into a frivolous, silly column. This is not good and must be remedied.

After all, it’s featured on a Web site called SeriouslyGuys — not Whimsically nor Fancy-Freeily, but Seriously. That is why I’ve decided to look at a very serious topic that deserves a straightforward, intellectual examination: what happens when we die.

It’s an important topic because, unless you’re one of the many bots trying to spam this site with porn, you are going to die. Worse yet, everyone who has died has refused to come back …. Well, there was this one guy, but we’re still arguing about what he saw.

So, I know you’re afraid of dying and the unknown, and that’s why you can take it from Snee that this is exactly what happens when you die. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Doom’

The final entry in MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month is upon us. It’s loud. It’s painful. It’s got really big guns and possibly bigger muscles. It totally fits the theme for this year, which as some of you might have been able to tell, is “cinematic video-game adaptation bombs,” and boy howdy, is this movie ever a real life equivalent of Vampire Rain. That’s right, I’m talking about the one, the only, Doom. Step right in to feel the pain.

Having played all of the entries in the Doom game series, I can approach this movie from multiple viewpoints; however, I’m just going to approach it from the POV of a normal film-goer, as it tends to be the least headache-inducing.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Doom’