The Guys’ War on Christmas: declassified

Our anti-Christmas symbol is an upside-down Holiday Tree in every store front after Halloween.

As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.

That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.

Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.

In her defense, she used ‘irrelevant’ correctly

In yet another fluff interview in a politically-friendly venue, Sarah Palin told Christian Broadcasting Network personality David Brody that she wants to help the mainstream media because she’s worried it’s become irrelevant.

This is, of course, coming from the woman who couldn’t sell a movie to people who can’t read.

What’s that? Just mentioning Sarah Palin increased our site visits and promoted her next reality show? Well, don’t mind us while we eat our hats.

In this metaphor, a subwoofer is a dog

So I says to Mable, “Mable,” I says, “He’s a bum. Pimp him.”

Admit it: you’ve seen homeless people on the streets and wondered what they’d look like with killer rims and a Blaupunkt. (They’d look like Go-Bots, the unloved vagrants in this Transformers world.)

Thanks to the father-son marketing team of Kevin and Sean Dolan, respectively, you may wonder no more.

The Dolans have installed a lift kit onto Timothy Edwards, a panhandler in Houston, Texas. After seeing him and fellow homeless people begging for donations with cardboard signs, they decided to “insult people’s sensitivity or appeal to their humor” [their words] with PimpThisBum.com. They pay Edwards $100 a day to use signs with the URL, and when people log in to the site, they can donate money, gifts and services.

“Visitors seeing the sign flocked to the site and in less than two months Dolan received $50,000 in donations and pledges through the site for the man, including a five-week alcohol treatment program donated by Sunray Treatment and Recovery based near Seattle, Washington.”

We, here at SeriouslyGuys, hope this idea takes off. We’d like to see a competition grow out of this, eventually resulting in magazine covers with low-rider legless war vets.