Tag: herman cain

Guns! Sex! It’s ‘Today in U.S. Politics!’

Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, fired back at his first of four five accusers of sexual misconduct to publicly come forward. The candidate took to email today, courageously reaching out to the public that happens to subscribe to a Herman Cain email newsletter.

In the email, Cain denied Sharon Bialek’s story that he groped her when she asked for employment help, not realizing she wasn’t applying for a job as a sex worker. He laid out her history of financial and legal problems, implying that she is looking to get rich quick. Cain further added that he will address this and the other allegations “head on,” and that he is willing to even go so far as dust under Ms. Bialek’s skirt for his fingerprints.

In Other News:

Attorney General Eric Holder assured the Senate Judiciary Committee that an operation like the botched Fast and Furious “must never happen again,” in part because there are no assault weapons left in the U.S. to sell to Mexican drug cartels.

People in glass bathhouses

Rick S@ntorum,* whose three-step policy plan consists of:

Step One: Banning homosexuality and abortion with federal laws.

Step Two: […]

Step Three: Profit!

launched an attack on Herman Cain’s conservatism today after Pizza Godfather Cain told CNN that — while he personally disagrees with abortion and would carry any baby inside of him to term — he would not allow that opinion to dictate policy if he were elected president.

“The government shouldn’t be trying to tell people everything to do, especially when it comes to social decisions that they need to make,” said Cain.

S@ntorum pounced onto that, telling the Associated Press that Cain is misleading voters about his conservative credentials:

“It’s basically the position that just about every pro-choice politician has in America. I don’t know too many pro-choice politicians who are for abortion, who want more abortions … but they say the decision is a choice the government shouldn’t be involved in.”

We asked an even more conservative person about S@ntorum’s comments, and he felt that Rick, too, is misleading voters about his conservative credentials. He pointed out that S@ntorum has yet to speak out against shellfish, campaigning on Sundays and tolerating the sight of menstruating women.

*SeriouslyGuys.com has a “zero profanity” posting policy in an effort to keep our inanity safe for work.