More loose cannon kids on the beat

Suggested listening while reading:

Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!

Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!

And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!

(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what? Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)

Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.

Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Health care reform was signed into law this week. Half the country is not happy. They feel like everything they know about health care and the insurance industry (which is, by design of both systems, not much) has been turned on its head and that this is the beginning of the end of America.

I could write a counter-argument about why they’re exaggerating this situation, trying to vilify the half of America that thinks it’s a good idea.

I could ignore them and celebrate a minuscule victory that, in the long scheme, will matter very little to the day-to-day lives of most people.

But both of those options would just be an insult to their pain. The way I figure, the debate’s over, so it’s time to get back together. To reunite over the things that we all love and hate. Here is the list that could very well usher in a new era of harmony … until the next bill is proposed.

(Please send all Nobel Peace Prizes to my work address. I’ve got some coworkers in dire need of a good flauntin’.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Take pleasure in their pain

It’s no surprise that cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin. We’ve heard the stats and arguments about this before multiple times by now. But are other guilty pleasures just as addictive-like, say, chocolate?

If you’re a mouse, there’s a good chance of that.

Italian researchers set out to discover just how much compulsive behavior plays a role in eating disorders. Rossella Ventura, leader of the research team at the Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, took two sets of mice – the experimental group was starved (which we approve) while the control was fed normally (which we don’t approve as much) – and trained them to choose between two chambers in a maze. The first chamber was empty while the second had a bit of chocolate inside. Once this conditioning was established, they added a mild electric shock to the chocolate room.

They then allowed the starved mice to eat their way back to normal weight and let both sets into the maze. The mice that had been well-fed throughout experienced the shock and quickly learned to avoid the chocolate chamber (awww). The previously starved mice, on the other hand, fought through the pain in pursuit of the chocolate (sort of yay), despite the fact that they were now being fed adequately elsewhere.

Ventura believes this willingness to ignore negative consequences in pursuit of food even when there is no great need for it demonstrates part of the behavior components that underlie eating disorders in humans and animals. Frankly, we at SG don’t care if they’ve got bulimia or boo-urnslimia. This is information that we can use in our great war against nature, and boy oh boy, is it good information. Can we suggest attempting the experiment on a larger scale, but then incorporate flamethrowers rather than just electric shocks? Oh, and just starve all the animals in this large scale experiment?

Don’t judge me-we’re at war, people.

The evidence is in his pants

A word to the wise: do not screw around with a Walmart loss prevention officer. They know exactly where to look for the goods.

For those that don’t know, shoplifting is essentially just textbook How-to-Lay-Low (Note: SeriouslyGuys does not condone or encourage the cool crime of shoplifting), and the perpetrator’s actions should be just a shade less subtle than what the Duke boys usually did after getting sprung from the Hazzard County Jail.

The accused, Daniel Larson has a heroin habit, and tried to rip off about $120 worth of DS games from the mammoth corporation known as Walmart because Scribblenauts and Just Imagine: Babies have high resell values on the China White market. Theoretically. He might have been able to get out of the county jail using a fake ID (true story according to the article), but to get past a Walmart loss prevention officer? Nosirreebob.

A note: being the most wanted fugitive and getting arrested in a Walmart over what’s in your pants is pretty lame.

The iPhone is the most deadly gateway drug of them all

UK tabloid The Daily Star reports that Amy Packard has been comatose for seven years following her decision to screw around with heroin. Amy’s mother Thelma wants Underworld, the newly renamed Drug Lords game for the iPhone, abolished.

“My daughter’s life has been ruined by drugs,” protests Thelma. “If this game is allowed to come out, impressionable kids will play it and Amy’s mistake will be repeated over and over again. Youngsters like Amy are exactly the people who download and play games like this on their mobiles.

Drugs can be, and ultimately are, bad. There’s no argument in the world against that. What’s just as bad, though? The “I was personally affected by this, hence I want it banned” attitude. Wanting to ban something you’re personally upset by is far more offensive than the source material itself. If parents want to give iPhones to their possibly already spoiled children and let them run around unchecked, they’re asking for trouble.

Note: Source link might be considered Not Safe For Work, simply based ads depicting scantily-clad women-folk and how open your employer is to that concept.

Next up: getting Snuffy off the snuff

Thank god that the U.S. is not a socialist, commie pinko welfare state. Otherwise, our taxes might be going toward sponsoring terrorism and helping to get people healthy. Damn it, get your own self healthy, we don’t need to pay for all of your bills!

In China, an elephant, with the help of the government, has kicked its heroin habit. The rehab took three years, because of course, the moment the Chinese would leave the elephant alone, the trunk junkie would head back to the slums for a ride on the H train. However, the elephant kicked the smack habit thanks to methadone doses.

It’s no secret that heroin addiction is ravaging the elephant population in Asia. The elephants just want to forget.