You Missed It: Worth it edition

R.I.P., Ron.
R.I.P., Ron.

I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.

WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.

Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.

Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.

Herpes: now with plausible deniability

"Hey, baby. How's about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?”

If you’re embarrassed about your case of herpes, don’t worry. In a couple of decades, you’ll forget you ever got them. That’s because the antibodies associated with the herpes simplex virus has been linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.

Paired with today’s earlier news about booze helping your memory in later years — and we all know what happens when you drink: herpes — your chances of retiring with an unimpaired brain are now a wash.

Science steps up for your naughty bits

As much as we love to rub our junk on things and each other, there are way too many hazards. But, thanks to medical science, we are now two discoveries closer to limiting those hazards to bristly objects and people.

Researchers have developed a new treatment for herpes that can reduce the virus’s ability to reproduce and spread. The new drug, pritelivir, improves upon existing treatments by targeting a viral component used earlier in the reproductive cycle. (Earlier in the virus’ reproductive cycle, not yours.)

"Thanks, doc! My grip's never been stronger, and the little lady still hasn't caught on to my 'business trip' to Thailand."
“Thanks, doc! My grip’s never been stronger, and the little lady still hasn’t caught on to my ‘business trip’ to Thailand.”

And if, like Rambo, you prefer to “go it alone,” then we have good news: scientists have developed a treatment to slow down or cure blindness. Surgeons used gene therapy to restore sight to six patients suffering from choroideremia, blindness caused by a faulty gene that allows light-detecting cells at the back of the eye to gradually die. Injecting a healthy gene and some therapy could get you back to it with visual porn in no time.

Science: making a better tomorrow, one stroke at a time.

Herpesviridae, -idae, -idae-, -idae

A fan claims to have contracted herpes at a Rihanna concert, but not from your mom. She alleges in a lawsuit that the virus came from a booth that let customers sample her new brand of lipstick, RiRi Woo.

The Guys don't know much about cosmetics, but we'd just assume that if we put our lips on anything named "RiRi Woo," herpes would be the best possible result.)
The Guys don’t know much about cosmetics, but we’d just assume that if we put our lips on anything named “RiRi Woo,” herpes would be the best possible result.

According to her lawsuit, she believes that she came into contact with the virus through a reused sample tube that was improperly sanitized between users.

A spokesperson from MAC cosmetics, the  company that makes the lipstick and runs the booth, said that “they take these matters very seriously,” but that, until a ruling is made, it’s also very possible that maybe the plaintiff was born with it.

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!