These just in

The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.

At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.

How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.

It’s football, not footbooze

Now, we of all people are certainly not advocating underage drinking, BUT, usually the high school drinking happens after the dance, rather than before it.

This is equally important to keep in mind when your high school football team seemingly consists of 20 people or less than that amount. Oh, and if you’re one of those 20 people. I mean, even my bumpkin cow-town high school was able to fit more than 30 people on our roster.

Tyler Durden strikes again!

Being a senior in high school is a rather crazy time in a person’s life. You’re inundated with so much information: there’s announcements, activities, special classes, counseling sessions to prepare for college and presentations. Oh man, the presentations. There are just so many “seniors only” presentations, all you can do is really just sit back and take in the information.

Well, maybe you shouldn’t take in all of the information shown to you, at least, not until you’re 18. Or 21 in some states.

Hey! Teacher! Let them sleep it off!

A study by Dr. Robert Vorona, a sleep medicine professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, Va., suggests that teen drivers get into more accidents the earlier they wake up. He suggests opening high schools later in the day to resolve this problem.

Finally, somebody gets it. If you don’t want teens on the road when they’re still drunk, let them sleep it off a little longer.

This plan is a win-win:

1. The teens get to tie one on and still graduate, and

2. Only the teacher’s lounge will still smell like gin.

Stop thinking about the children

It’s over. It’s all over.

All the illusions of “school life” that have been built up in the fragile psyche of those that love Japan have now been shattered, as the traditions and strictures of school no longer match those of Japan’s reality.

Accordingly, an increasing number of public and private middle schools have begun switching their school terms to a semestral system instead of the traditional trimestral system. For students, that means ten to fifteen more school hours in a term, and teachers are more free to deal with their classes rather than prepare report cards. That’s a lot of school.

It’s over.

Now, I was lucky enough to graduate from my podunk little high school (“What high school did you go to?” “Culpeper.” “Where’s that?” “Culpeper.”) before they began the switch to block scheduling. As such, all I know of is the period system, and as such, I know not of these new-fangled academic systems that schools these days use. But this system? It just sounds rough.

Prom rescheduled due to drinking problem

Finally realizing that the prom was cutting into students’ weekend drinking hours, New York’s Pearl River High School moved the alcohol-free event to weeknights.

Thanks to the rescheduling, students will no longer be forced to make late night trips to the Jersey Shore or Manhattan night clubs, but can instead now start drinking at Happy Hour rates like normal human beings.

School officials are so impressed with their accommodation skills that they may also permit alcoholic students to skip graduation, which gives them more tailgating time during the long, arduous ceremony.

At least they didn’t learn how to use a condom

We tie the elastic in the back to make ours look like footlongs.School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.

To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.

In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)

Co-Warrior of the Week: Cammie Colin

South Carolina be a little different. There, high school cheerleaders like to hunt alligators in their spare time.

Cammie Colin, 16, is one of those. She recently caught a 10-foot, 350-pound gator. With a crossbow. In a boat. She is Buffy the gator slayer.

This is expected to help Cammie’s school spirit–if you don’t cheer when she says so, damn it, you don’t want her to get her crossbow. She is not a wench to mess with.

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue