School emptied out because of pumpkin spice air freshener

Danger in the air prompted a Baltimore high school to be evacuated this week. It was a strange smell in the school that caused the panic.

On Thursday, students at Cristo Rey Jesuit High School reported a strange odor, some even coughed and had a tough time breathing. A few students and teachers were even taken to the hospital. In response, firefighters were called to investigate and the school was emptied out. Before long they found the source of the strange smell: a pumpkin spice air freshener.

The first clue should have been when the female students were unaffected by the odor.

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

Gimme an ‘E!’ Gimme an ‘R!’

Human stacking is a time-honored sport with a rich history extending as far back as Genghis Khan through the slave trade and continues today in U.S. prisons.
Human stacking is a time-honored sporting tradition with a rich history extending as far back as Genghis Khan through the slave trade and continues today in U.S. prisons.

Americans may not agree on much right now, but there’s one thing we all agree on: that cheer-leading is not a sport. (Well, not all of us. Cheerleaders and people really worried about President George W. Bush’s college legacy disagree.)

But, maybe it’s time we rethought that position. (And that’s how this became a SeriouslyGuys TED Talk.)

While cheerleaders sustain less sports injuries than most other high school sports — 17 of 22 sports had higher rates of injury — cheerleaders are injured more severely than nearly all of them. Only gymnastics more devastatingly cripples its athletes than high school cheer-leading, so you could say that cheerleaders be, be aggressive when it comes to hurting themselves.

So, if you can sustain a sports injury doing it, it’s a sport. Except for crossfit. Those are owies from stupid pull-ups.

Congratulations, high school cheerleaders for getting the recognition as athletes that you deserve! And, get well soon.

‘Fifty Shades’ coming to a high school near you

Watching movies in class was one of the highlights of high school, especially so if the movie contained nudity and the teacher forgot to skip past that part. Some high school students did one better.

In West Virginia, a classroom convinced their teacher to let them watch Fifty Shades of Grey if they behaved themselves, because apparently the teacher had no idea what the movie was about, and IMDB is hard. These luckiest of kids got to watch about 10 minutes of the film before someone at the school found out about it and had it turned off.

The school wouldn’t comment on what is going to happen now, but it seems pretty clear that the teacher has been bad and deserves to be punished, if you know what we mean.

CDC: We’re officially cooler than teenagers

In Lobot's defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.
In Lobot’s defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.

Everyone point at vaping teenagers and laugh! For the first time since the mid-20th Century, adults are officially cooler than teenagers because we don’t smoke robot cigarettes just for the sake of them.

While adults use e-cigarettes to quit smoking much cooler –but also much more disgusting — tobacco cigarettes, teenagers are skipping straight ahead to sucking off Lobot’s pencil dick.

So, bow down to your adult betters, dorks. And while you’re down there, take your “baes,” Selena Gomezes and dubstep with you.

Well … maybe leave the dubstep.

The McBournie Minute: Will you go with me to prom?

With ads for formal wear and spots about the consequences of drinking and driving, it can only mean that prom season is here once again. Yes, that beloved ritual of looking good but not being allowed to do anything about it is upon the high-schoolers of our great nation. Very soon, parents will be spending way too much for their daughters’ dresses, and boys will send Axe body spray stock prices through the roof.

It’s awkward, it’s gaudy and it tends to go viral several times over lately. I’m here today to put on my old man hat (which is not turned backwards) to discuss what prom is today, as I understand it, and why it makes no damn sense to me.

So come on kids, you won’t get this dressed up again until your next failed job interview. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Will you go with me to prom?

These just in

The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.

At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.

How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.

It’s football, not footbooze

Now, we of all people are certainly not advocating underage drinking, BUT, usually the high school drinking happens after the dance, rather than before it.

This is equally important to keep in mind when your high school football team seemingly consists of 20 people or less than that amount. Oh, and if you’re one of those 20 people. I mean, even my bumpkin cow-town high school was able to fit more than 30 people on our roster.

Tyler Durden strikes again!

Being a senior in high school is a rather crazy time in a person’s life. You’re inundated with so much information: there’s announcements, activities, special classes, counseling sessions to prepare for college and presentations. Oh man, the presentations. There are just so many “seniors only” presentations, all you can do is really just sit back and take in the information.

Well, maybe you shouldn’t take in all of the information shown to you, at least, not until you’re 18. Or 21 in some states.