Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.
Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.
Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.
I don’t think Billy Bush deserves to lose his job. At my first job as a reporter, I was assigned to do a profile on one of the candidates running for county sheriff. I got this guy because I was the lowest ranking reporter, and everyone knew he was nuts. The guy had a hairtrigger temper, and a persecution complex to go with it. During the interview, he railed about how this company or that person were against him, he spewed conspiracy theories, he even said if elected, he would throw the current sheriff and county judge in jail. I didn’t challenge him, I didn’t dig any deeper into his ramblings. I tried to remain agreeable to keep in talking. I wrote down what little of a coherent platform he had and got the interview over with as fast as I could. A few years later, he murdered his neighbor over some ongoing property line dispute. Billy Bush seems like a rich-guy douche bro who probably really believes what he and Donald Trump said, but I can’t prove it. All I know is sometimes you have to interview someone with the crazy eyes and in that moment, you have to roll with it. If you were busy winning the Nobel Literature Prize this week, odds are you missed it.
Ken Bone makes a boner
This week, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump yelled at each other on live TV for the second of three times. During the town hall-style debate, Ken Bone, a red sweater-clad voter who has somehow not made up his mind, used his opportunity to ask something of substance to the two people vying to be leader of the free world to instead toss a feel-good softball. Bone became an instant celebrity. He used his fame to endorse Uber, and did a Reddit AMA. The formerly anonymous Bone forgot to delete questionable Reddit comments, like his thoughts on certain porn stars and the murder of Trayvon Martin, before hand. As we have seen with Pepe the Frog and Chewbacca Mom, never become internet famous.
Last Trump releases diss track
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saw GOP leaders withdraw their support for the horse they backed, with many calling for donors to instead put their dollars toward close congressional races. Trump fired back that he didn’t need the support of Republican leadership, and is ranting any time he gets a microphone. This is like when Ice Cube left N.W.A., or when Zayn Malik left One Direction.
Obama enjoys not being in politics anymore
President Barack Obama penned an op-ed about how the NASA and the private sector will partner to send astronauts to Mars in the 2030s. In the same week, he lifted the $100 limit on bringing cigars and rum from Cuba. Someone’s getting excited for their retirement.
In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.
John Hinckley Jr., the guy who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is going to stay with his mother. People are outraged over this and I don’t understand it. The guy has been in psychiatric care for longer than I’ve been alive. Since 1981 he’s been under the constant care of doctors. Doctors are supposed to help people. Apparently he’s been helped enough that he can live with his mother, who has to be ancient, for her remaining years. Where are the mental health advocates on this? He hasn’t been convicted of any crime. Let him go home finally, and keep an eye on him. If you were busy making people forget about Jeremy Renner this week, odds are you missed it.
Woman up for man’s job
This week, the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton for president–the first woman to ever get the nomination from a major party. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies out there, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and have your friends rig the system, you too can run the country someday. It’s about time women caught on to the winning game plan white men have been using for thousands of years.
Olympic athletes greeted with rivers of poo
Athletes arriving in Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics have reported sub-par living conditions in the Olympic village. The buildings are suffering from gas leaks, power outages, fires, mold and plumbing problems. The Australian committee called the buildings uninhabitable, and an Argentinian official suspected sabotage. Brazilian officials said the buildings are fine, and are meant to help the athletes feel like they’re really living in Rio.
Sesame spoiler alert
Sesame Street is losing three of its long-time cast members after 45 years. HBO revealed that Bob, Gordon and Luis will not be returning to the beloved children’s show. It was revealed that next season Bob will be eaten by dragons, Gordon will have his head exploded during a trial by combat, and Luis will be shot and stabbed during his own wedding.
For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.
Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.
Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.
Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”
Hillary Clinton has scored her share of key endorsements during the campaign, but she may have just gotten her biggest get yet. The only thing is these guys may be abducted at any time.
Alien conspiracy theorists say Clinton is the candidate for them. She has said all the right things when it comes to alien hunters. She’s calling UFOs “unexplained aerial phenomena,” and pledged to look into alien conspiracy theories if elected. She’s treating these people more seriously than the Obama administration, which isn’t hard. These truth seekers have been the butt of presidential jokes for decades.
This is a huge win for the Clinton camp, because this is America, and conspiracy theorists are the most coveted votes around. Until now, the Trump campaign had received all the conspiracy folks, namely, the birthers, the militia dudes and white people who feel they are oppressed.
For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.
Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.
The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.
It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.
So it seems natural that we would see it as a place of refuge today. But you really need to stop that nonsense. You’re not moving to Canada. Continue reading →