The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.

The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.

That’s right, America, the Obama administration is coming to take your opinions away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

‘No, you hang up first …’

They're both thinking this.President Barack Obama and Russian puppet President Dmitry Medvedev reached an agreement, committing to reduce their nuclear arsenals, on only their first day of the Moscow summit.

They quickly agreed to reduce from 2200 warheads to only 1500 or so. (That scraped 500 nukes spares a couple of American cities that are too close to Canada and the populated regions of Siberia.)

Of course, the moment of agreement grew tense when neither president would agree over who would miss who more until day two of the summit. The situation was miraculously resolved when Secretary of State Clinton suggested they each go back to their rooms and write letters to prove it.

And you thought the Obama-Spidey team-up was big

Sure, reading about Batman or Spider-man, or whatever Japanese crap Chugs reads, can be really entertaining, but let’s face it, you can only watch Peter Parker give Doc Ock a money shot to the sunglasses with web fluid so many times. What if–what if we could watch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton give that money shot instead?

Now you can do just that.

Bluewater Productions, a Washington, D.C. based publisher is releasing a line of comic books (most likely one-shots) about strong, independent females in politics. Supposedly, it’s about their life stories. You can watch each woman battle with her arch-nemesis. In Clinton’s case, the vast right-wing conspirators, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will Palinize the gotcha media, Michelle Obama does battle with her husband’s shadow and Caroline Kennedy fights off reports she is cheating on her husband and withdraws her bid for a seat in the Obama cabinet.

There may even be talk of a comic book featuring Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, which would be a great move, if you ask us. Villains need there own books now and then.

Is it safe to rip on autism? C’mon, c’mon

Actor/Comedian/SG Hero Denis Leary is getting ripped for comments in his new book suggesting that children diagnosed with autism don’t really have the disease in some cases. Rather, according to Leary, they are the result of just being stupid, lazy, and having parents that are stupid and lazy. His book “Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide To Remaining Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid” is receiving heat for his views on autism, but in all fairness he did go after Dr. Phil and Hillary Clinton too.

How To: Endorse a candidate

Now that the Olympics are over, it is time to forget about such frivolity and stop pretending you care about shot put. It is time to turn your attention to more important matters, like the election in November you are not going to vote in.

Yes, it is time to endorse a presidential candidate. Everyone is doing it, including rapper Hillary Clinton (endorsed Sen. Barack Obama) and Sen. Daddy Yankee (endorsed Sen. John McCain). Maybe it is your turn to publicly throw your support behind one candidate or the other. That is why The Guys explain to you how to endorse a candidate. Continue reading How To: Endorse a candidate

You Missed It: Skinny dip edition

As the summer winds down, people are getting out of dodge earlier and earlier (take me last week, for example). If you were busy this week counting the number of houses you own, odds are you missed it.

Fay not going away
Cuba and some other Caribbean islands got hit by Tropical Storm Fay this week and it was no big deal. It’s just a puny tropical storm, right? Wrong. Fay has been manhandling Florida (including the panhandle) for several days now, dropping amounts of rain better measured in feet than inches and causing tons of flooding. The good news in all this: the state is now back to its original form, as a huge swamp.

Jamaican Bolt-led team
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has run three races, won three gold medals and broken three world records–a feat which has never been done before. Analysts credit the runner’s long legs and speedy last name as natural reasons why he is so much faster than everyone else. Bolt’s next event is Showboating, which will air tonight.

Not Phelps’ Beard
In other Olympic news, U.S. swimmer Amanda Beard caused a stir this week when she said she would never date fellow Olympian Michael Phelps. Beard said (aside from the fact that he is really goofy looking), “Ewww, that is so nasty! … Come on, I have really good taste.” When one thinks good taste, one thinks of Beard. That’s why she posed nude for Playboy and unveiled a nude anti-fur ad at the Olympics.

Doesn’t “Obama-Kaine” sound like a prescription drug?
The nation is in a frenzy over who presumptive Democratic candidate Barack Obama will choose as his runningmate. Some say Jo Biden, some say Hillary Clinton, others say Tim Kaine. Obama is expected to announce his decision today, and he had better, otherwise television news channels will have to go cover the war or something. In one of his many houses John McCain is wondering why no one cares about his VP pick.

You Missed It: Insatiable appetite edition

Welcome to Friday. Though the summer may be coming on strong, oppressively strong in some areas, the news is not slowing a bit this week. If you live anywhere near the Mississippi River, odds are you missed it.

Maybe Obama will choose you
Though the race between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton ended only a week ago, the news media wanted more. Since the results were announced, Obama has been hounded by reporters left and right asking who he will choose to run on the ticket with him. Earlier this week, Obama asked the media to cool it with the veep talk, saying during a press conference, “Look at the ball! Look at the ball! You want the ball? Yeah? Go get it! Go get that ball!”

The Incarcerated Hulk
Terry Bollea, better known as Mrs. Hulk Hogan, is half of what is shaping up to be the most exciting celebrity divorce of the year. Bollea wants Hogan jailed for not paying his share of payments on a condo in Las Vegas the couple had bought when they were not on the verge of ending things. The Hulk’s camped fired back that she is dating a teenager. There’s no punchline, not even a funny rant about wrestling or American Gladiators. It’s all true.

They’re still good for throwing at comedians
The Centers for Disease Control said this week that a total of 228 cases of illness have been reported in the U.S. as a result of salmonella-carrying tomatoes. In response to this, restaurants across the country have been pulling tomatoes from their dishes in the interest of public safety. See, Mom? I don’t have to eat my vegetables.

‘Wuts up, cndy pnts?’
Jim Gibbons, the Governor of Nevada, apologized Wednesday for sending around 860 text messages to a woman not his soon to be ex-wife on a state-owned cell phone. But Gibbons stopped short of calling the text messages “love letters.” Gibbons told the media, “I’m an old man, I don’t know how to write flowery love letters on this contraption. Besides, time is short, I keep my texts quick and dirty.”

Obama sequels/prequels will suck

Kids, we know you love Barack Obama right now. You’ve got the Obama bedsheets, the Obama action figures and playsets — including the Hillary doll your dog chewed up — and a lifetime membership in the Barack Obama Fan Club. (Your pin and stickers are in the mail.)

Yep, you think you’re always gonna love this year’s blockbuster hero. But there is a dark and sinister force looming on the horizon …

George Lucas has declared Obama to be the “hero” “for all of us that have dreams and hope.”

So, enjoy Obama while you can. In 20 years, Lucas will undoubtably make a horrible sequel or prequel with bad dialogue and annoying CGI.

The worst part is that when you’ll say these new movies aren’t as good as the original Obama, your peers will tell you that the original Obama was this bad — you just didn’t notice because you were a kid.

SG News Flash!!!!1OMFG!!!

The Guys have just received these news bulletins from CNN and the AP about this election’s Democratic Primary.

You’re probably thinking, “These are news flashes?” Don’t be so dismissive. Unlike all those other “Obama won, Clinton stays in race” stories, these were dated June 3, 2008. Any other story with the same exact subject matter, content and headline — but an earlier date  — is not a hot scoop.

Carry on, if you can.

UPDATE (6/3/2008):
CNN has updated their “Clinton refuses to concede” story of the day with news that she will accept a VP nomination. However, she also wanted to make it very clear that she will still not concede, which makes up over 3/4 of the story.

But kudos to CNN for at least changing the headline.

Tired-looking Clinton scolds sexist press

Looking a little time-worn and shrewish, former First Lady and current Senator and presidential contender Hillary Clinton nagged The Washington Post about sexist press coverage in this election.

“It does seem as though the press at least is not as bothered by the incredible vitriol that has been engendered by the comments by people who are nothing but misogynists,” said Mrs. Clinton, who could use a touch of anti-aging cream and perhaps a push-up bra.

Mrs. Clinton went on to say something about her feelings, but this blog was distracted by some sports announcement. She also probably yaked the reporter’s ear off about family ailments and what her daughter’s been up to.

She did not cite any specific examples, just some intuition she had that people don’t like women. There’s no word whether Mrs. Clinton will release any of the facts gathered by male employees in her campaign.