Tag: Hillary Clinton

You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition

Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.

Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.

Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.

‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.

Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.

Scurry to from Prison

There are two things the U.S. loves to do: run for office and throw people in jail. Sometimes, they are even the same thing (see: Marion Barry). Idaho happens to be one of these states united, and it also happens to enjoy holding elections every now and then.

Keith Russell Judd is a man with a dream. He’s a democrat who finally got himself on the Idaho primary ballot running for president. Though only 49, Judd believes he has what it takes to lead. His name will be right up there will Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

As it turns out, Judd is currently doing time in a federal prison in Texas, which means legally he can’t even vote for himself. He won’t be out of prison until 2013. So should Judd be elected president, he will not be able to serve his first term in the White House, that is unless he pardons himself.

Point/Counterpoint: The end of Hillary?

OK, so everybody in the world online has their own theories as to whether Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is deader than AIDS research.  Of course, many of these opinions are biased by either support of Barack Obama or their dad who hates Mrs. Clinton.

To this point, nobody has been able to pinpoint one exact moment when she should have gone whereever Geraldine Ferraro cries off public-lashings.  Until now: a Hillary Tall Tale Generator is up on Something Awful.

Is this automated list of tall tales, and subsequent gaming jokes, the death blow to her campaign?

Point: Nobody cares about Vin Diesel anymore.  Is he still alive?  Mr. Diesel: cough once for yes, make a sequel to The Chronicles of Riddick for no.

Counterpoint: Chuck Norris became a deciding factor in the Republican primaries … until Republicans woke up from that 12-week Mai Tai bender with a Mike Huckabee tattoo.  Still, nobody has challenged Mr. Norris to a celebrity boxing match, so his career isn’t dead.

What say you, SeriouslyReaders?  Share your points, counterpoints and Vin Diesel jokes in the comments!

How To: Select a running mate

It’s an election year, and that means if you’re running for a certain office in the executive branch of the federal government, it’s time to choose your running mate. Now, though it may be April, there’s a chance your political party has not yet nominated you as their candidate because you don’t have enough electoral votes. Pay no heed to that! It never hurts to plan ahead. Just like cleaning your bathroom, if you get it done now, that’s one less thing you’ll have to worry about before the big party.

History has taught us many important things in choosing a potential vice president. The Guys are constitutional experts on this subject. For example: did you know that the VP’s only real job is to babysit the U.S. Senate, while calling the White House every 24 hours to see if president is still breathing? Now, with our expertise demonstrated, we present to you, how to choose a running mate. Continue reading How To: Select a running mate

Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.

So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Continue reading How To: Control that man o’ yours

The McBournie Minute: I’m right about the primaries

I predicted a couple weeks ago after the Iowa caucus that the rest of the states would choose Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama. I was dead on.

Since then, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Mitt Romney and the Obama crush girl have all gotten wins and pundits are baffled. There are no clear leaders in either party’s race. No matter what the pundits keep orderin, voters for some reason are choosing to make up their own minds this time around. Why they chose these primaries over any other ones in the past 225 years is anyone’s guess. Regardless, with only a small amount of the country voicing their opinions so far, there is still no clear winner.

There is a sentence I did not think I would write until the Florida primaries.

However, there is some fun that can be had amongst this chaos, and like most at-home political fun, it requires watching news network coverage. You play a drinking game. What more American an approach to national politics can there possibly be?

Every time a network predicts a front-runner, winner or dark horse candidate, you do a shot. Not a sip, you wimps, a real, full shot. By the end of the night, you will be excited about when your state’s primary election is and you will want to vote for whoever makes the campaign promise of buying the next round.