Tag: Hillsboro

Rock beats scissors, dual lightsabers beats taser

A man from Hillsboro, Oregon has been arrested and charged with assault after allegedly attacking customers at a Toys ‘R Us store with … drum roll please … wait for it … two plastic lightsabers.

The man, armed with two lightsabers and his abnormally high mitochondrial count, started swinging the toy weapons at customers in the store last week. You can just see the transition from Jedi to Sith.

When the police were called, the 33 year-old moved out to the car park. When cops confronted him there, he began attacking them with the lightsabers, and when one officer shot a taser at him he “knocked one of the wires away”. Such skill and finesse.

It was all for naught, though. Police eventually got the better of Master Porkins, who now faces “allegations of disorderly conduct, theft, assault, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer”.

Exhibit A: your dog’s anus

Normally, this wouldn’t be a funny story. Veronica Rodriguez has served one year in jail for allegedly “running her hands through a 13-year-old boy’s hair and pulling the back of his head against her covered chest in the middle of a crowded game room at the Boys and Girls Club in Hillsboro.” Now she might be going back for another five years for the same incident.

That’s right: she didn’t sleep with him, didn’t send him dirty pictures on his cell phone, didn’t even give him an “A” for lookin’ fine in jeans. In other words, the action that sent her to jail might have been unintentionally sexual. Speaking as adult males only mildly out of adolescence, teenage guys find sex in Masterpiece Theatre.

No, this story is funny because of the argument her public defender, Robert Gartlan, presented to the Oregon Supreme Court on her behalf:

“‘Causing the back of a boy’s head to be placed against the clothed chest of a 23-year-old counselor is qualitatively different from causing a 12-year-old boy to place his tongue or his penis in the family dog’s anus …. The conduct in this case must be one of the mildest, most technical forms of ‘sexual abuse’ that one could contemplate.'”

Please, think of the dog’s anus. This blog knows you’ll follow your heart.