Hippies strike again

For anyone that’s not aware of it by now:

  • This is the United States of America. We operate on a system based upon capitalism.
  • Our financial system uses money, or legal tender as it’s sometimes known. That is the only way to pay for things.
  • Our financial system is not the barter system.

For future reference, please stop trying to buy things with what you think is the equivalent worth. Pay the full price or don’t get the item.

Hippy logic to invade business sense

You don’t have to listen to too many Bon Jovi songs to know that the man sympathizes with those down on their luck. (Remember? Poor Tommy used to work on the docks, but union’s been on strike…).

Now the singer, already well-known for his philanthropic works through his non-profit Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, plans to open a community restaurant in Red Bank, New Jersey. Soul Kitchen, which is slated to open this spring, isn’t just any restaurant, though. The eatery will serve low-cost or no-cost meals to diners and ask they volunteer at the restaurant in return.

While it’s a nice story, what’s up with Bon Jovi and other celebrities continuing to put New Jersey in such a good light? I mean, it’s New Jersey. Stop trying to help God’s Trash Pit.

My favorite worst nightmare

I’m a capitalist, through and through. That’s the one creed that I subscribe to. I believe in the free market society. I believe in the trading of goods and services via currency. I believe that the market will decide on what is best.

I don’t believe in hippies. They are filthy gypsies that run around without a care in the world, not realizing the effect that has on our society. They crowd up already busy streets and drain our nation’s resources (there’s only so much peanut butter in the world, people!). Worst of all, they parade around and drown themselves in patchouli oil.

Most of all, I don’t want to have to trade you 5 carrots for riding on my bike for 30 minutes. That doesn’t work. And I don’t care for a marijuana farmer’s market. I don’t want to have to trade 2 lambs for a pound of kif. No, if I want that, I’ll do what every other hard-working American citizen does: move to California, fake an injury and get a prescription from a doctor.

Mmm, mmm! Recycled meat trays!

Great. Just what the world needs-more hippy crap.

Seattle is giving Portland a run for its money when it comes to being the most eco-forward city in the Pacific Northwest. With a ban on Styrofoam in restaurants and grocery stores going into effect on July 1, the city’s Metropolitan Market chain and other businesses have come up with a packaging solution-compostable meat trays made of corn. Made by Illinois-based Pactiv, the tan trays can be used for meat, fish and poultry and then tossed into the compost pile along with other food waste.

Chemist and Pactiv rep Dave Powell says that using the new trays is a boon for Seattle’s green reputation, and that while there is controversy surrounding the use of corn for anything other than food production, his company’s customers want more eco-friendly packaging that will break down. Styrofoam doesn’t.

If they wanted something that breaks down, why didn’t they just get me under pressure? Thank you everyone, I’ll be here all night.

Take it from Snee: Bonaroo Book Report

This past weekend, I went deep undercover to investigate the unwashed underbelly of the patchoulingest music festival this side of Burning Man: Bonaroo.

So as not to arouse suspicion, I traveled in an assembled “hippie herd,” including a wife and another married couple. I disguised myself in a head bandanna and body odor.

What I uncovered shocked, entertained and disgusted me, often all at the same time. I witnessed both the glorious and ugliest sides of humanity. At times, I almost lost myself in the role, but after severe deprogramming with copious amounts of red meat, I return to bring you this report. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Bonaroo Book Report

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

My apologies for not telling you last week what came after the 1950s. With Labor Day and all, we were off from work and observing the Holy Day of the Worker by refraining from blogging. Today I am pleased to tell you that the 1960s came after the 1950s, but they are more commonly referred to as The Sixties.

For America, it marked a time of great change, you may have heard about that once or twice. But is what happened forty years ago really over? Of course not, the Baby Boomers are still around arguing over whether or not we won the Vietnam War.

Hit the jump, do some ‘ludes and free your soul, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

Sound the horn!

Did you know that you can legally hunt gray wolves without the federal government coming after you and telling you you are a bad person? It’s true! The only thing is that the hippies will still say that, and it is not yet legal to hunt hippies.

As of September 15, you can go wolf hunting. After being on the endangered species list, they were taken off, only to be replaced again, but that got shot down, so the hunt will go on! Remember folks, werewolves are always on the kill list.

Swine Flu? More like Swinging Flu, am I right?

We’re not here to make a big deal of something that shouldn’t be a big deal. Yes, the swine flu has hit Japan, despite all their efforts to block it. The areas of Kobe and Osaka have been hit hardest, according to reports. The Little Island That Could now has over 260 reported cases. It’s a high count, but cases have been mild for Japan, and no one has died from it.


In theory, the students could be as cautious as the media and disease control agencies want them to be, but instead, they would rather go out for karaoke. More than 4,400 schools, colleges and kindergartens have closed for the rest of the week to help slow spreading, but these students are enjoying the time off anyway. In Osaka, students have formed long lines in front of karaoke clubs. Being obviously so in tune with the kids these days, we guess that they’re rallying to sing away the disease, probably based off some hippy disease a la “Hands For Peace.”

Of course, some club owners don’t want business from kids from diseased or closed schools. One karaoke joint owner put up a sign saying that students from closed schools were not welcome inside. Someone will take their business, though. And they’ll all sing their flu-y voices into the same microphone.

Hippies are losing the war for us, as usual

It seems simple, really: we trash the environment, we trash the very habitat that our enemies call home. When our beastly foes have nowhere to hide, we can kill them off more easily. That’s just how total war works. We all know that is General William T. Sherman were alive today, he would to the same thing.

But today, another kind of march to the sea is needed. Though it may be winter here, in Australia, it’s summer (toilets also flow backwards, it’s like Bizarro America). Summertime means more people at the beach, which also means an increase in shark attacks.

Surprisingly enough, the reason for the shark attacks is not just that animals are out to get us, but that the sharks are going toward cleaner waters, brought to you by those animal-loving hippie pinko environmentalists and their new laws. It sounds like it’s time for a little civil disobedience, doesn’t it?

Happy Abortion Day!

Protesters are canvasing the streets of the nation’s capitol today, sustaining themselves on the leftovers in trashcans from Tuesday’s inauguration/big-ass balls. They’re marking the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the only Supreme Court case most Americans can name, which made abortion legal in the United States.

Oh, but they’re not burning babies like their hippie forebears. No, they want abortion made illegal again.

This Web site supports free speech and all consequences that result from it, but don’t these people know what they’re asking for?

Parents have maintained order in the great nation of ours with a threat: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you back out of it.” As we’ve mentioned before, this threat does not work if it is an empty one. It will only work if some parents occasionally take their children out of the world, and if others refuse to bring their children into the world. (You know, to punish them for presumably making a #2 inside of you.)

So, how can you bring your well-behaved teenage children to sleep-ins (no, really) to protest the actions of others that enabled you to raise them? Hypocrites.