Blind and hairy-palmed teaching the blind and hairy-palmed

And, if there's anything the porn industry understands, it's the profession of teaching.
And, if there’s anything the porn industry understands, it’s the profession of teaching.

The porn industry is facing its worst health and P.R. nightmare since being porn: four actors have tested positive for HIV.

What doesn’t help is that this comes after it essentially left Los Angeles to escape the city’s workplace condom requirement. (It’s only if you work on a porn set, so you can put that pack of Trojans away, Port of Los Angeles dockworkers.)

Fortunately, the industry has somehow performed tests that show that the actors did not catch HIV on set, but did so off the clock. If that doesn’t sound like something that a test can confirm, don’t worry: those top minds are going to apply that same rigor to teaching porn actors how to practice safe sex in their private lives.

And, when it comes to sex, there’s no better teacher than porn. It’s how we learned that babies come from blasting women in the face, the fourth date is anal and women really, really like pizza.

So, health crisis averted! Return to your masturbatoriums!

It’s the crack pipe of caring

Vancouver, one of the many but few parts of the U.S.’s neighbor of the north, Canada, has decided that crack smokers are people too. In order to facilitate this concept, the city’s health department will now be giving fancy new crack pipes (along with other items to make sure you have an optimum crack session) to any addicts that stop by the east part of downtown Vancouver.

The glass pipes are heat-resistant and shatterproof, which experts say should reduce injury to the users’ lips and mouth — wounds that can make them more susceptible to diseases such as HIV and Hepatitis B and C.

You think you have a better idea on how to spend 60 thousand Canadian dollars?

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.

What’s more presidential than making new citizens?

Proving that the U.S. isn’t the only country with an oppositional party that overcompensates with moral outrage, the South African party, Congress for the People,  is asking for President Jacob Zuma’s resignation.

Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!

(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)

Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.

We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

Red Madness sweeps U.S.!

In case your calendar doesn’t update to include every observation ever conceived by people with charities to fund, February 5 is National Wear Red Day.

National Wear Red Day was organized by the American Heart Organization, which doesn’t realize that red is already the color of:

  • HIV/AIDS
  • Communism
  • Wrist Awareness
  • Sixth Grade Literacy (What? You didn’t read The Red Badge of Courage?)
  • Republican Washington Nationals Fandom
  • Khurramite Succession Over the Mazdak Religion
  • Anthropomorphized Kool-Aid

Basically, we’re saying they could have received better notice if they chose a less used color.

By the way, we’re sorry that we reported everyone wearing red to the FBI for possible ties to Khurramite extremism. We got spooked by the sudden numbers.

Hate your job?

So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:

A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”

Oo, awesome news!

“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”

Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?

“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”

… And?

“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”

“A placebo,” you say?

“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”

Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?

“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”

F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?

But, that’s not all:

“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”

So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.

Colorado state senator reads SeriouslyGuys!

Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis does not believe that the state of Colorado should require hospitals to test pregnant women for HIV.

Is it because this could be considered some sort of invasion of privacy? No, because the screening is consensual.

Maybe it’s because pregnant women are homos? Not in the good Senator’s world!

How about because the needles used to administer the test could help spread HIV? No, that’ s a little far-fetched.

Or is it because detecting HIV would lead to treatment, giving the benefit of medical care to some unclean whore who caught AIDS? From our pages to Senator Dave’s stupid mouth!

Oh, what a beautiful mornin’

Good morning, America! How’s it hanging?

You got your coffee that barista whipped up extra special for you, using their hands? Did they get a little caramel on a finger and lick it off? It’s amazing they only nicked themselves on that bagel guillotine. Oh, these carefree days!

Oh, by the way:

THE CDC REPORTS THAT THERE’S MORE AMERICANS WITH HIV THAN WE THOUGHT.

Well, hope you a wonderful day!

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply