World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

It’s this century’s equivalent of the JFK assassination

We’ve been informing the populace about a much-needed invasion: Sadiya, aka, the Bay of Spiders. We warned the world about the outbreak. We even warned the world about the potential monsters involved.

Now we’re being told it’s a hoax.

“There are no killer spiders in the area” is what’s being tossed around by supposed “experts.”

Both Dr Saikia and Chetia said there was no evidence of any spider species in Assam and the Northeast which could cause human deaths. “There is no evidence of any such spider in the region whose bite could lead to human death,” Dr Saikia said.

Any spider that’s alive is prove against that theory. Because if they could, they would eat you in a heartbeat.

Pond scum … in … spaaaaaaaace

Dear Mister President Sir Obama: please do not exterminalate NASA yet. We may very well need them sooner than we think.

Reportedly, pond scum has been found on Mars. Pond scum, the building blocks of life (okay, not really), was discovered on a secret mission to the red planet. A secret mission. What does this mean?

ALIENS ARE ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OVER OUR WATER SUPPLY. Do not be surprised if we eventually hear an announcement stating “IM IN UR DAM KILLING ALL UR AMOEBAS.”

Now, obviously, since the origin of this is a tabloid, it’s advised to take this news with a heaping helping of salt. Just make sure to save some so that we can dry out the pond scum alienoids. It could be our only way to fight back.

Threat Level: Nonexistant

Hey Germany, isn’t it the other way around? First you say that a real event never happened. Now you’re convinced that a hoax actually happened? Just how do we apply the “Fool me once” formula to your country?

Act 1: The German media is informed by an alleged reporter of a local American TV station based in the city of Bluewater, California, about a suicide bombing in a local restaurant. The media, trying to verify the story, checked the city’s official website and the TV station’s website to find numbers of the local police and fire department, which promptly confirmed that two explosions had occurred in a restaurant. So German media proceeded to report a suicide bombing in the USA.

Act 2: The story was partly revoked. Now it was three German rappers, named the “Berlin Boys”, who had staged a fake suicide bombing with fake bomb props in an attempt to seek publicity. The TV station’s website featured a news report about the arrest of the Germans.

Act 3: Eventually it was revealed that the “Berlin Boys” don’t exist. Neither was anyone arrested. Nor did the TV station exist. And neither does a Californian city named “Bluewater” exists. Still, police officials in San Bernardino received a lot of phone calls from German media seeking to verify the story.

The Troofiness: It was all one giant publicity stunt by the director of an upcoming German movie named Short Cut to Hollywood, which is about three German rappers who stage a fake bombing in the USA to get publicity. The director reportedly wanted to find out if something like that could actually happen in real life. To do so, he set up fake websites for the (fake) city of Bluewater and the fake TV station, with fake phone numbers on the sites that would redirect callers to the Skype accounts of participants in the stunt. Even fake Wikipedia entries were set up that would verify the existence of the city and the TV station, with links to the “official” websites.

Germany has officially been served. Or punked. You know, whichever silly descriptor that the kids are using these days.