Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Christmas music makes you crazy, experts say

As we noted recently, it’s Christmas season, whether we like it or not. But a word of caution: don’t get too into the holiday spirit, it’s for your own good.

Experts say that constant exposure to Christmas music and scents can negatively affect your mental health. Studies show that holiday-related stress is a fairly common affliction. Psychologists warn that being unable to escape reminders of the holiday season can increase the pressure that we put on ourselves by not allowing a mental escape. By bombarding ourselves with Christmas music and scents the associate with the holidays, we put our mental health at risk.

So turn off the holiday jams, put out that pine-scented candle and thow out your maple pecan gingerbread coffee drink. You’re driving yourself crazy.

Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

Pro vs. Con: Yule be sorry

argument

The Guys – well, Rick and Bryan, anyway – are at an impasse. We both agree that, since Thanksgiving is over, we’re in the officially acceptable period of expressing Christmas joy. But, is there a Too Soon for dialing Christmas up to 11? Are there limits, both structurally and psychologically, to how quickly we should ramp up Christmas? Can we maintain the holiday spirit for an entire month, or should we taper it off a bit to make it to December 25th? Bryan believes this is stupid and insane (Con), and Rick thinks it’s not only inevitable but makes December better (Pro).

We hash out all this and more in Pro vs. Con: Yule Be Sorry Edition.

Christmas trees and other decorations

In the real vs. fake tree debate, the only one that can entertain for an entire month is fiber optic.
In the real vs. fake tree debate, the only one that can entertain for an entire month is fiber optic.

Rick: There’s definitely a Too Soon for Christmas decorations, and that’s any time before Thanksgiving. Stores setting up Christmas displays before Halloween? That’s ridiculous, and Christmas in July is a buttf*cking blasphemy. But, once we’re past Thanksgiving? I say go for it.

Christmas decorations in my house mean rearranging furniture, heaving lifting, gardening/floristry, ladders and outdoor work. You won’t have a larger unpaid labor force any other day of the year than on the Friday immediately after Thanksgiving, which you can pay in leftovers. With that amount of work put into decorating, I’m not taking them down until my final eviction notice in mid-January. I figure there’s Advent, Christmas Eve and Day, the twelve days of Christmas, the Epiphany (if you’re Catholic), New Years, and then the two weeks of 2016’s hangover.

Bryan: If you’re able to move off the couch after Thanksgiving, you’re doing it wrong. The day after Thanksgiving is for one thing only: praying for a smooth bowel movement. Continue reading Pro vs. Con: Yule be sorry

Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

The McBournie Minute: Hot takes after the blackout

Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?

But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.

Let’s take a look at what happened in my feed while we were out and my hot takes, in as best chronological order as I can remember. Whatever. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hot takes after the blackout

The McBournie Minute: Your favorite Christmas song sucks

I was on the last leg of an eight-hour drive to Ohio back in September, looking forward to looking at anything but flat, straight, boring road. My wife was scanning the radio stations, because we’re the last people left who listen to terrestrial radio, when she came upon Christmas music. A station was playing nothing but Christmas music. Let’s remember this was September. I had a sudden urge to steer the car into a tree, but we were in Ohio farm country, it could have been hours before we saw tree for me to hit.

In my seething rage, I thought back to the column I wrote about Christmas songs last year, and I’ve been waiting to reread it ever since. (That’s right my complaint about hearing the same songs is itself a repeat, get over it.) I’m still really proud of it, and I think it’s way better than any “Christmas season gets longer every year” type of rants I could muster up this year. And judging from our site’s daily hit counts, a lot of you out there probably missed it last year, anyway.

So we now take you to “Your Favorite Christmas Song Sucks.” Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Your favorite Christmas song sucks

A wrong-handed celebration

You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler 'stache with his left hand.
You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler ‘stache with his left hand.

If you thought today seemed a little sinister, there’s good reason. Today, the world celebrates International Left-handers Day, even if we know that left-handedness is a sign of evil.

If you’re wondering when International Mixed-handedness Day is, it, like ambidextrous people, doesn’t exist. If you pitch southpaw, then it doesn’t matter if you catch southpaw, too. You’re left-handed. (And let’s not get into the affront to god and threat to right-handedness that trans-handed people present.)

So, if you know a left-handed person, pat them on the back — with your correct hand. Tolerance is really in right now.

The McBournie Minute: Your favorite Christmas song sucks

There’s something I just don’t trust about Christmas. I enjoy the time off being with my family and getting presents as much as anyone else, but there’s still something that’s off about the holiday. Christmas is an industry, and it’s so massive that it takes over other holidays. Sounds pretty shady to me.

The Christmas industry creates fervor over the newest toys, which is fine. Kids are greedy little jerks anyway, holiday or no. But it also creates pop culture designed to make us all feel warm and snugly. When it does this well, the effect can be amazing. But when it fails, it comes off looking like a cheap money grab. Christmas songs are a prime example of this.

Christmas songs are just all-around creepy, even your favorite. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Your favorite Christmas song sucks

The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited

With the end of the holiday season, and the beginning of “Oh crap, we still have months left of this miserable weather” season, we often try to find things to believe in. We all need that thing to hope for, to look forward to, to get us through. It’s a stupid mental trick we do to ourselves.

It’s time we stop tricking ourselves into looking forward to things. It’s going to be crappy for a long time, and the sooner we all acknowledge this, the better our chances are of moving on. We don’t need winter escapism, we need to face reality and somehow make our peace with it. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on these things we hope for.

So I’m here to tell you why you shouldn’t get excited about things around the corner. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited