NYC travelling window briefly opened and closed

So, you know, fuhgeddaboudit.

New York City managed to have a red letter day, as in no red letters were spelled out in blood on their many sidewalks or studio-apartment hardwood floors. That’s right: New Yorkers managed to not kill each other for an entire 36 consecutive hours, which police are calling “a case of that one Monday.”

Nobody is entirely sure why NYC’s assassins took a Senior Skip Day, but it is part of an overall trend of decreasing violent crime nationwide. Still, for 8 million people who presumably relive Seinfeld every damn day, it’s commendable that not one took a Festivus pole to their group’s George. (Or smelly cat to their Phoebe if you grew up on Friends.)

Of course, like all good things, this, too, had to end. By Tuesday morning, the city’s last nerve was trampled, ending in a good ol’ fashioned shooting. Oh, and Lindsay Lohan slapped somebody.

So, if you’ve been waiting for a safe time to visit the Big Apple, that train has re-derailed. It was a good run, everybody!

Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Phil Spector, our producer, did something

Phil Spector, just one of many celebrated psychopaths in the American music industry (but the only one to hold The Ramones hostage), was found guilty yesterday of the second-degree murder of Lana Clarkson.

In an inconceivable situation, Clarkson was found dead in Spector’s Los Angeles home from a gunshot wound. His arrest and trial led to the world’s most bizarre collection of courtroom sketches in recent history. Seriously, people haven’t worn wigs this bad in court since the invention of the guillotine.

The Guys wish Phil all the best during his sentencing. He’s a talented individual that just can’t handle his guns, bullets, ego, wardrobe, talent or his individual self.

You may have only gotten second-degree murder, but it’ll always be first in our hearts.