Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

I know, I know. We now live in a country where gay men and women can openly serve in the military, but gays still can’t join the Boy Scouts. To you, it makes no sense. The Boy Scouts are like the military without the threat of imminent death that made homosexuality such a hazard in combat, so what’s the big deal?

The deal is that Boy Scouts may not face threats in the form of IEDs and RPGs, but they are threatened with something just as terrible if not worse. As a former scout, I know that BSA leadership didn’t just make an arbitrary rule because gay sex is icky. It’s just, well, my Scoutmaster made me promise not to talk about it.

Fine, I’ll tell you the real reason why the Boy Scouts upheld their ban on gay scouts and leaders, but you can’t tell anyone. After all, if you can’t trust the Internet to keep a secret, who can you trust? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

FDA maintains gays are, respectfully, plague rats

Bio-Blood Components Inc.–which doesn’t sound like the name of a Bond villain’s operation at all–might face a lawsuit from Aaron Pace. Pace says that he was not allowed to donate blood because a staff member thought he was a homosexual.

Bio-Blood has already planned a two-fold defense, claiming that:

1. They’re a little defensive because their best gay friend (character witness!) keeps singing “Gary, Indiana” whenever they mention their location.

2. Technically, the worker only made positive assumptions about Pace’s sexuality.

Can you take the cure? All of it?

We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.

The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”

The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.

Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.

For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize

  1. Yes he is.
  2. The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.

So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).

It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

I love how the hip-hop community was worried that all their battle songs sound gay. Not derogatory gay, but really, really gay. Like “touched if my friends call their wedding a ‘commitment ceremony’” gay.

I can imagine the setting when they came up with “no homo.” DJ Fistmaster is taking a break from a hot and heavy lyrics session, wondering if he came a little too strong onto Dirty Lil’ $anchez when he metaphorically said he would “nut in his eye/ ‘cause he’s a pretty little guy.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

Gay US federal employees one step closer to human

SeriouslyGuys: Home of the first Liberace joke online since 1991.In a stunning move sure to upset people who believe the Bible is science, President Barack Obama announced a change in federal employee benefits that would move gays one step closer to being officially fully human.

President Obama is scheduled to interrupt more of your favorite TV shows to explain the new rules sometime today.

But with every step towards full equal rights for Homosexual-Americans, there’s always that “just a second, guys” moment. Just as Clinton allowed gays to serve in the military if they pretend to be straight, the new benefits program will not include family health insurance.

But, let’s not get all revolutionary. Gay partners of federal employees will still receive all the other important family benefits. Now they’re allowed to:

  • Participate in the Christmas party planning committee.
  • Be identifiably displayed in vacation photos in their partner’s cubicle, not ambiguously as a friend or distant cousin.
  • Compete in the three-legged race at picnics and barbeques.

Take it from Snee: Why does Hollywood have a closet?

As a junkie for hard-hitting, earth-shattering news, I was floored yesterday.

There are drama queens who think they are floored, and then there was me: F-L-O-O-R-E-D. “Floo” and “red.” Julie came home to find me a quivering ball of twisted manflesh, unable to lift a hand from the office carpet. For lack of a better modifier, I was f–king floored.

What had me in such a gravity-conscience predicament? Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan came out of the closet. On the same day.

No, not with each other. Straight people don’t live in closets. Aside from the occasional pantry-dweller, us breeders live in rooms.

Fortunately, yesterday’s news was enough to raise one nagging question, which in turn got me off the floor and back to the keyboard: why is there still a closet in Hollywood? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Why does Hollywood have a closet?