Murder most immoral

Rest assured, America: when it comes to murder, Justice Antonin Scalia is opposed to it on moral grounds.

Speaking at a Princeton seminar on Monday, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia argued that every state should have the right to make laws against behavior that its electorate deems immoral — like homosexuality. And to make his point, he made a very close, relevant comparison: murder.

Now, some of you out there might find that comparison appalling, but when you really think about it, how different is homosexuality from homicide? Same first three letters, for one. Also, one is a non-consensual act of physical intimacy between a man and the person he’s murdering, while the other one is icky in a buttsex sort of way.

So, aren’t we glad that Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act are on the high court’s 2013 docket?

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Take it from Snee: If you resent gay marriage so much, why don’t you marry it?

Donald really buries himself in Miss USA.If few people pay attention to the Miss America beauty pageant, even fewer notice the Miss USA one. Miss USA is the Go-Bot version of the Transformer Miss America. (She turns into a liposuctioned has-been.) Hell, Donald Trump sponsors Miss USA, so it’s only slightly classier than the annual Hooters calendar competition.

There are only two times beauty pageants warrant more than a passing mention at the ass-end of the nightly news:

  1. When she’s deaf or only has one leg.
  2. When it’s funny (which includes scandals, Vanessa Williams).

So, since the Miss USA competition is in the news, and I’ve already explored deaf people and retards in this column, there must have been a scandal. Miss California is in trouble because she responded to Internet symptom, Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage with:

“‘Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman,’ Carrie Prejean said to a mix of boos and applause. ‘No offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.'”

Some have argued, including Ms. Prejean herself, that she’s answered an opinion question and, therefore, there is no right or wrong answer. That’s true: there are no wrong opinions … but there are stupid ones.

Why is her and many other Americans’ opinion about gay marriage stupid? That’s this week’s topic. Continue reading Take it from Snee: If you resent gay marriage so much, why don’t you marry it?

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

When society crumbles, blame Facebook

This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Bulletin.  Please drop whatever you are doing (picking your belly-button lint) and pay close attention.  Your life may depend on this news.

SeriouslyGuys has just discovered from CNN that college students are revealing their relationship statuses on Facebook, an open online forum that anyone can access.  Users can list themselves as “single,” “in a relationship with,” “engaged to,” “married to” or even “it’s complicated with.” 

The last option, “it’s complicated,” is the most alarming because it encourages uncommitted relationships with multiple people.  We all know that polygamy, homosexuality and beastiality are destroying society, and it’s not fair that college students are allowed to do that.

It’s a mystery how this Facebook feature, which has been part of the social network since it launched, has escaped CNN’s notice for so long.  What’s next?  Creating cults about pasta that users can join?  Fortunately, it’s never too late to talk to your kids about the perils of moral ambivilance on the Internet.