No deal: Woman can’t trade car for Necco Wafers

There are a few candies hated by most people, but celebrated by a small but passionate few. Candy corn. Root beer barrels. Necco Wafers. People get nuts about this stuff.

A woman is so worried that Necco Wafers may be going out of business that she is offering her car for her favorite treat. The woman is from Florida, because of course it happened in the U.S. The company is trying to sell itself but can’t find a buyer yet and could close next month.

The woman offered candy wholesaler CandyStock.com her 2003 Honda Accord for the company’s entire Necco Wafers supply. CandyStock passed on the offer, making the first of two disappointments the woman will have in the coming weeks.

Take it from Snee: Your car and you

Waaaaaay back in October 2008, when the pressing concern was how to vote, I wrote about the hidden messages behind bumper stickers. While you may think your memorial bumper sticker tells everyone that you are a passionate person in pain, to everyone else it signals that you might have a death wish to join your lost loved one and to steer clear.

At the time, I thought that was the only way to judge our fellow drivers … until I saw a P.T. Cruiser.

It was at that point that I realized that, while not every car has bumper stickers, every driver chooses a car to express themselves/pick up chicks. (Or, in the case of the minivan, to prevent your spouse from ever picking up chicks again.)

And yeah, I just called your van a car. So’s your truck and SUV. If you’re driving it to work and back, never using it to off-road, it’s a goddamn car. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your car and you

You Missed It: Walking is out edition

It’s here. Fall. Yes, it is in fact official. Some people love it, they say that they enjoy the milder temperatures and the bright, beautiful colors the leaves turn as the winter goes on. These people, of course, are Alzheimer’s patients. They forget the constant rains, the leaf raking, and oh yeah, and the sense of doom because WINTER is just a few months away. If you were busy denying the Holocaust this week, odds are you missed it.

We’re going to have to re-think cities!
On the heels of the Segway and that weird thing that GM and Segway made, Honda has released a new mode of personal transportation. And no, it’s not on the back of one of those robot things. It’s a unicycle type thing with the catchy name U3-X. Just hop on and guide it whereever you want. In other news, a barstool that drives you home might be the greatest investion ever.

Well, there go all the drug jokes
Actress Mackenzie Phillips shocked the world this week in an interview with Oprah when she admitted to having sex with her rock star father John Phillips for 10 years–while she was married. In other news, the Mamas and the Papas just takes on a weirder name now, doesn’t it?

Better late than never
As of this week, iPhone users will be able to send Media Messaging Service (MMS) messages. You may know these things as picture messages, video messages and sound bite messages. Welcome to 2004, iWhores, we’ve been waiting to show you this picture we took of this dude who was passed out drunk in a chair with market all over his face.

Power squeaky toys optional

Honda has shown their true colors, and they are not on our side. The car maker unveiled recently that they will sell a version of the Element to be more geared towards dogs. No, they aren’t able to drive–yet, they will simply have a much smoother ride.

Dogs will have a trunk area with a cushioned bed, a water bowl and even a ramp to get into the car. The thing is, they are pets, they are not humans, so they should not be treated as such. They should be made an example of, not catered to. They might be man’s best friend, but maybe that’s just because we keep our enemies closer.

In any case, if you leave the windows rolled up on a hot day, there is still no safety mechanism, so there’s that.

If only a machine could keep musical time … if only

'And a 0, 1, 10, 11 ... 1, 1, 10, 11 .... 10, 1, 10, 11 ... 'It’s hard out there for robot designers. Thanks to movies, television and comic books, we have a convoluted idea of what robots are supposed to do. We expect them to clean our homes, teach our children, lift cars off of dying people, plot our hyperspace journeys and — if there’s any time left — have sex with us.

So it’s no wonder that most of us aren’t excited by robots that fall over playing (ugh) soccer or vacuum three feet of carpet before running out of battery. We want our robots like our cars: flying and, once again, able to have sex with us.

And that is probably why Honda decided it would be a big deal to turn their ASIMO robot into a guest symphony conductor metronome. Coming up next for the Little Robot that Might:

  • Pressing a shirt.
  • Adding any two numbers.
  • Playing a record.
  • Vibrating at three speeds. (No, we’re not letting this one go.)

Baby steps, Honda. Let’s work up to a robot that can file my taxes. The future … is now.*

*By “now,” we mean “tomorrow.”**

**Um, the figurative “tomorrow.” Not tomorrow “tomorrow.”