There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.
Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.
City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.
As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.
So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.
I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things
Some say our government is not doing enough in the War on Animals. They may be right, but that argument just got a bit worse, because they’re rounding up the wild horses in Nevada.
They say that some of the herd is being rounded up because the area can’t support so many horses, but we know what’s really going on. Those horses have run free for far too long. It’s time we tame them, subjugate them and pump them for information. Now, if The Guys can volunteer to shoot tanquilizers at the horses from a helicopter, we’re ready to sign up.
It’s a bad time to be a horse in Florida. Then again, that statement assumes there was ever a good time to be a horse in Florida. Anyway, horses are being killed by people other than their owners. No one knows if the culprits are our stealthier warriors or just people who are hungry.
Even so, we are glad to hear that the antiquated forms of transportation are being put down once and for all. The people of Florida have had it with horses. They watch you all day, pretending to be tame, just waiting to throw you or kick you in the head the moment you let down your guard.
I say nay (not “neigh”), we will no longer let ourselves been watched and followed by an enemy trying to pass itself off as loyal. Kill the horses. If you want to eat them, well that’s your thing, buddy.
Earlier this week, we told you about how a bunch of horses from Venezuela “mysteriously died” just hours before a polo race. Well, it would now seem that the actual culprit was Franck’s Pharmacy, which “incorrectly” gave the wrong doseage amount. We can learn two things from this situation:
1. SeriouslyGuys is not guilty of any crime, no matter how valiant the activity was.
2. Putting words in quotations marks is awesome.
Listen. Do you hear it? That wonderful sound whistling through the air? It’s the blessed sound of silence. But no, no lambs were involved. For today, we instead heard …
… The Silence of the Horses.
Which SeriouslyGuys would just like you to know that we had no involvement in whatsoever. You couldn’t prove it anyway.
Over twenty polo horses suddenly lost the will to live mere hours before they were set to race in Sunday’s polo match in Wellington, Florida. Coincidentally enough, the horses all came from a Venezuelan based team. We don’t know what you put in the water down there, Venezuela, but keep it up!
Mister Ed was asked to respond, but declined to comment. Sources say it may be due to a lack of readily available peanut butter.
These be tough time in these evil waters. Just when it appeared we be done with those lasses clearly based off of some of the less than reputable women from Singapore, the war wages on. It appears we, the male species be havin’ to deal with yet another wave from Carrie Bradshaw’s endless ocean. Candace Bushnell, who penned the Sex and the City show that aired in a box, has been licensed to pen a novel about horseface’s Bradshaw’s teen years. We only be speculatin’ that this be taken place in the Jurassic being the carbon dating of Kim Cattrall.
For those of you who had thought you had seen the last of the lead hooker on Sex and the City, your nightmare isn’t over. Apparently Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a close connection to the horse family, has landed a new television show.
Parker’s new venture, “American Artist,” will be picked up by Bravo in the fall. New shows for her movie castmates have not been announced, which we consider good news for men everywhere.
Though SG was off last week, the War of Animals did not take a single day off, we believe this is mostly because there was no cease fire agreed to by officials on either side. So, in an effort to keep from shirking out duties, here’s what happened while we were away:
Hundreds of ducks turned up dead in Alberta, Canada. The traitorous Canadian government is actually angry about this, and is investigating an oil company in connection with this masterstroke blow to the nation’s waterfowl population.
The birds apparently landed on a pond that had toxic waste in it. Only five of the ducks were saved. This is good news, but this blog cannot rule out that these ducks now have super powers. Continue reading War pauses for no one
It is this blog’s sad duty to report that actor Roy Scheider has passed. Scheider is probably the most celebrated film icon in the War on Animals for blowing the head off of a great white shark in Jaws.
The movie is largely credited with reminding people of the dangers in the ocean, where you can always see creatures approaching, especially if you are skinny dipping alone near a large buoy late at night. In our warrior hearts, Scheider will always be remembered for his immortal line as he fired the fatal shot, “Smile, you son of a b–[BOOM!]”
The hospital isn’t saying how Scheider died, but this blog has its own theories.
Speaking of death and animals, mourners at a London funeral were treated to a horrible sight, when horses pulling the deceased’s casket broke into a stampede. The carriage tipped over, bouncing the casket around and throwing flowers here and there.
The bumpy ride to eternal slumber finally ended at the cemetery, but many mourners were so upset they had to be restrained. As this blog always says: don’t let an animal do a job any machine could do. Machines haven’t attacked us–yet.