War pauses for no one

Though SG was off last week, the War of Animals did not take a single day off, we believe this is mostly because there was no cease fire agreed to by officials on either side. So, in an effort to keep from shirking out duties, here’s what happened while we were away:

Hundreds of ducks turned up dead in Alberta, Canada. The traitorous Canadian government is actually angry about this, and is investigating an oil company in connection with this masterstroke blow to the nation’s waterfowl population.

The birds apparently landed on a pond that had toxic waste in it. Only five of the ducks were saved. This is good news, but this blog cannot rule out that these ducks now have super powers. Continue reading War pauses for no one

The war doesn’t end with death

It is this blog’s sad duty to report that actor Roy Scheider has passed. Scheider is probably the most celebrated film icon in the War on Animals for blowing the head off of a great white shark in Jaws.

The movie is largely credited with reminding people of the dangers in the ocean, where you can always see creatures approaching, especially if you are skinny dipping alone near a large buoy late at night. In our warrior hearts, Scheider will always be remembered for his immortal line as he fired the fatal shot, “Smile, you son of a b–[BOOM!]”

The hospital isn’t saying how Scheider died, but this blog has its own theories.

Speaking of death and animals, mourners at a London funeral were treated to a horrible sight, when horses pulling the deceased’s casket broke into a stampede. The carriage tipped over, bouncing the casket around and throwing flowers here and there.

The bumpy ride to eternal slumber finally ended at the cemetery, but many mourners were so upset they had to be restrained. As this blog always says: don’t let an animal do a job any machine could do. Machines haven’t attacked us–yet.