Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Your tax dollars kinda at work

The United States have gotten a bit of an unwanted moniker as of late, thanks in part to ridiculous. And it’s true-we at SG are far too aware of the many stupid lawsuits that are brought up every single day.

We’re not talking about Judge Joe Brown or Judge Wapner telling you to pay 750 dollars in small claims court for scuffing up someone’s shoes at the club-we’re talking about someone suing their neighbor because the neighbor has a boa constrictor skeleton in their house and the person bringing the lawsuit is a necrophiliac. As such, it always makes the citizens of this nation, from the peasants to the lawmakers, a little happier when a crazy lawsuit is smacked down.

Unfortunately, it has the complete and opposite effect when it’s a congressman, a lawmaker himself, that is the person bringing about a ridiculous and stupid lawsuit. Really Dennis? You couldn’t be bothered to glance down at what you ate before shoving it into your mouth? I guess nothing says dangerous like an olive.

Stupak is as Stupak does

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

  • Gynecology: In a way, isn’t it just gloved finger-rape of our wives and girlfriends?
  • Chemotherapy: Bald, sickly people give us the heebie-jeebies.
  • All Cancer Treatment in General: Almost all cancers are lifestyle-induced. How can we know if someone didn’t get cancer from smoking or kicking puppies?

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

Wake us up when it’s 2010

Well, it’s mid-November, which means we can retire the “Scurry” tag until next year …

Or can we?

Yes, folks, it’s not reality television an election unless there are recounts! The snoozer of a race that attracted the attention of teabaggers, Sarah Palin and other political celebutards in New York’s 23rd District is not over.

Upon learning that there are still mail-in ballots to be counted, Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman “un-conceded on Glenn Beck’s radio show. (Unlike his television show, the sound of his tear drops must be imitated in the studio with a sponge and a pail of water.)

If this race gets overturned, then black is white, up is down and the Republican Party still lost.

Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)

Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.

As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.

Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition

Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.

Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.

Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.

Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3’s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.

We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.

Comedy writers prepare for June 8 Palin speech

Comedy writers ranging from The Daily Show to blogs like this and even your mom’s weekly “hee-mail” are cracking their knuckles, getting ready for a return to the good old days before economic reports and Jim Cramer.

For the first time since two weeks ago, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will return to the public eye on June 8 as the keynote speaker at the annual Republican Senate-House Dinner. Writers are licking their chops, already backfiling graphics requests for Palin’s head photoshopped onto various scenes, like on an iceflow or at a klansmeeting.

In some cases, we’ve received reports of Web sites having already written their articles upon the AP news release. They figure Palin will rehash the latest GOP talking points, plus a few “alsos” and “such ases,” and the rest of their stories would only require minor edits from there.

We, here at SG, however, will just file our story now:

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin.