At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Houston sees fire ants, rain

Thanks to Hurricane Harvey, Houston is largely underwater. (And the rest of us have to deal with that alliteration.) A few people have died, but pretty much everyone there has had their life disrupted in a way that may not be reparable. And it gets worse.

Now Houstonites Houstonians Hueguenots citizens of Houston have to deal with another threat: floating bands of fire ants that are pissed off about their situation. The ants form into giant balls that float on the floodwaters as a means of survival. That’s correct, not even historic flood levels will kill these bastards. So anyone forced to trudge through the water, aside from worrying about getting swept away, has to watch out for the ants, because if they are disturbed, they will attack, and they are called fire ants for a reason.

So if you can’t donate money, or send old clothes, send these poor people some ant spray.

Texans to brave storm with liquid courage

Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!

But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.

Key quote from a Houston bartender:

Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”

Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.

The kind of love where traffic stops

It's going to be a bitch trying to get to the wedding.
It’s going to be a bitch trying to get to the wedding.

There is no love on the highway, and there is no love in Houston.

It’s the kind of thing you’d imagine in the final act of a romantic comedy: a man stops traffic on a busy highway to ask the woman he loves for her hand in marriage. (She said yes.) It was all caught on camera and posted on Instagram. But things may not be happily ever after just yet for the engaged couple. The groom-to-be has been charged with a misdemeanor for shutting down Interstate 45 in Houston for an estimated 35 seconds, because Texans take their ability to roam very seriously. The bride may face charges, herself.

Of course, when the story went viral, it was all OK, because there was an outpouring of love and support from the online community. Kidding! They were rounding criticized online by people who they had never met, because the internet is horrible. Cheers to the happy couple once they get out of jail!

Cookie Monster’s nearly 50 year reign of terror over

Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally "Famous" Amos' restraining order again.
Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally “Famous” Amos’ restraining order again.

After nearly 50 years of unimpeded cookie menacing, the Cookie Monster has been arrested where all depressing crime stories end: Houston, Texas. Police caught the Cookie Monster using surveillance video from one of over 30 fast food restaurants that he robbed in the past two months, demanding a cookie with the money at each one.

OK, so it’s not the Cookie Monster. The furry blue monster that we all know in love is in treatment at a cookie methadone facility on Sesame Street. He is in recovery and, according to CM himself, “take one day at time.” He’s now able to enjoy cookies in moderation, calling them “sometime food.”

So, we believe that the Houston-area Cookie Monster can be rehabilitated and perhaps one day teach kids how to count calories.

Dead snakes can’t make Bud Light taste better

For the most part, The Guys are proudly beer snobs. Why not? If you’re going to get drunk, you might as well get drunk off of something that tastes good. That’s why we don’t care for most products from the Budweiser family.

We’re also animal snobs. They kicked off a war that they just can’t win, and frankly, the only good animal is a dead animal. Or a dead animal that we’re now consuming, preferably after it’s been slathered in barbecue sauce and roasted over an open flame.

That’s why we’re at a moral quandary regarding the case Marcus Forson. Forson found a dead snake in his case of beer. We’d normally be bothered by a snake attempting to contaminate our beer, but cheerful about it being dead; however, the beer in question is Bud Light. What’s even more concerning is that Forson was going to willingly serve Bud Light to party guests. Was this a party for his enemies?

Raccoons still the hobos of the animal kingdom

Beggars. Rabid. Thieves. Constantly hungry. Perpetually drunk. Descriptions like those are most often the characteristics of hobos … or their animal kingdom equivalents, the raccoon. Especially the ones of Houston, Texas.

Score upon score of the bandit creatures have invaded a neighborhood in Houston, taking residence behind convenience stores. Like the gypsy, they’ve taken up doing tricks for treats. As many as five dozen can be found behind the Stop and Save, begging for food.

Do not enable them. They’re animals that are well-known for being monstrously evil and contagion carriers. Not only that, but they’re our enemies. We should be starving them out, not feeding their forces.

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

An interstate brouhaha is underway between Houston, Texas and New York City over the final resting place for the space shuttle Enterprise.

The shuttle, which never flew in space, but was the test model for what became the workhorse of our space program, was awarded to New York’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, while Houston possibly receive the Explorer, a full-scale mock-up shuttle, and the finger from all living shuttle astronauts. (Which is actually kind of hard to organize, you f%@king ingrates.)

Rep. Ted Poe and Pete Olson (R-Texas) and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson are using the proximity of a strip club to contest the shuttle’s proposed location, which is right across the street from the rest of the museum. They believe that this “is no way to treat a precious space artifact.”

But, what if the shuttle inspired those strippers to work their way through college studying science and aerospace? Then the esteemed busybodies from Texas would be interfering in my plans to restore the U.S. space program. And, brother? Space strippers is just the beginning. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!