Raccoons still the hobos of the animal kingdom

Beggars. Rabid. Thieves. Constantly hungry. Perpetually drunk. Descriptions like those are most often the characteristics of hobos … or their animal kingdom equivalents, the raccoon. Especially the ones of Houston, Texas.

Score upon score of the bandit creatures have invaded a neighborhood in Houston, taking residence behind convenience stores. Like the gypsy, they’ve taken up doing tricks for treats. As many as five dozen can be found behind the Stop and Save, begging for food.

Do not enable them. They’re animals that are well-known for being monstrously evil and contagion carriers. Not only that, but they’re our enemies. We should be starving them out, not feeding their forces.

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

An interstate brouhaha is underway between Houston, Texas and New York City over the final resting place for the space shuttle Enterprise.

The shuttle, which never flew in space, but was the test model for what became the workhorse of our space program, was awarded to New York’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, while Houston possibly receive the Explorer, a full-scale mock-up shuttle, and the finger from all living shuttle astronauts. (Which is actually kind of hard to organize, you f%@king ingrates.)

Rep. Ted Poe and Pete Olson (R-Texas) and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson are using the proximity of a strip club to contest the shuttle’s proposed location, which is right across the street from the rest of the museum. They believe that this “is no way to treat a precious space artifact.”

But, what if the shuttle inspired those strippers to work their way through college studying science and aerospace? Then the esteemed busybodies from Texas would be interfering in my plans to restore the U.S. space program. And, brother? Space strippers is just the beginning. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

You’ve gotta shoot them in the head

Now, I’ll readily admit to being a big film geek. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t write a movie review column. I try to keep my pretentiousness in check most of the time, but frankly, I can’t help it escaping. Now is one of those times. Ladies and gentlemen, you’re clearly doing a horrible job of watching classic cinema.

Everyone knows that the only way to make the living dead sans living is to eradicate the brain mass of a zombie. By doing so, you end the walking dead’s existence. Of course, me assuming that everyone knew what to do clearly shows just how wrong I was, because it would seem that people in Houston are completely and totally ignorant of this vitally critical piece of information. Now, why would I say this?

A man was brought back to life not once, not twice, not thrice, but 5 times (5 times, 5 times, 5 times, 5 times) recently. Now, one would assume that to be a good thing, except for this fact-the man died 5 times. This means that his craving for human braaaaaaains was made that much stronger with each subsequent “revival.” Houston area emergency doctors, do the right thing-put a bullet in this man’s cerebral cortex before he starts spreading a plague that you’re most probably ill-equiped to handle. In these tough economic times, do you really suspect that you’ll be able to actually live out a zombie outbreak in a mall of today? Don’t just do it for yourself-do it for America.

WoA: Power struggle

It has been said that whomever controls the skies controls the war. In the War on Animals, that would certainly be true, because our highly advanced passenger planes, cars and flyswatters can kill anything from birds to insects without remorse. That adage, however, does not apply to guerrilla (or gorilla) warfare.

First off: some good news and some bad news. The polar bear has just been added to the U.S. endangered species list. This is good because it means we are winning the fight but it also means it has just become a whole lot harder to kill these white devils. Coca-Cola could not be reached for comment.

And finally, The Guys don’t often make endorsements, especially of foreign powers, but we are here to say we support the King of Nepal. King Gyanendra (I, we assume) is almost out of options for keeping the throne. So what does he do? He turns to the Hindu goddess Kali (you remember her from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and sacrifices animals to gain her favor. A buffalo, a goat, a lamb, a duck and a rooster were sacrificed in what should be an example for every world leader.