Not to be found in the Dummy’s Guide Series

Say you’ve spent your life breaking into people’s houses and stealing stuff. You haven’t been caught so far, so it makes sense that you’d want to continue keeping a low profile, right? So you would avoid, say, publishing a book about your techniques and heists. Oh wait, you just wrote such a book and had it published? Crap.

That’s pretty much what Hajime Karasuyama (pen name) has done. Occupation, Thief; Annual Income, 30 million yen, the book,  gives tips on how to commit burglaries from a “gentleman cat burglar.” The author claims that he has developed the ability to know where a house’s occupants have hidden money and valuables.

Some of the content includes tips for gaining access to a locked house silently and efficiently without leaving traces. Karasuyama recommends hybrid cars due to their quieter sound, and once you’re at the door, a jeweler’s magnifying glass will reverse the view of a peephole.

It’s hard to imagine people being okay with a book promoting burglary, but it’s apparently flying off the shelves. Now, will someone explain to me why we don’t use the word “burgle” in our social lexicon anymore?

How To: Celebrate a birthday

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.

One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.

Clearly, someone was not paying attention to us. That’s why The Guys bring you how to celebrate a birthday. Continue reading How To: Celebrate a birthday

How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.

We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Continue reading How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

Mini-How To: Dump your boyfriend

So CNN is hemming and hawing about how not dump a guy. See, the author, Judy McGuire, is worried that you’ll hurt your boyfriend’s feelings by dumping him the wrong way.

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There’s only one foolproof way to dump a guy without hurting his feelings: set him up with one of your hotter friends.

Which friend, you ask? The one with the biggest boobies. Or the one that decided to go to school instead of become a model. If all else fails, go with the one with the most exotically colored pubic hair.

He won’t care about anything else you have to say. Best of all, when that relationship is over, he won’t stalk you.

Once again, CNN–we’ve warned you about this before. We write the Thursday How To segments and you stick to panda stories. Deal? Deal.

How To: Retire from professional sports

Some sports stars are not really sure on when they should call it quits. Some retire and come back, while others do it so gracefully no one even knows they left the game (at least that’s what they tell themselves, it’s really that no one cares if they leave).

A recently study we imagined shows that nearly 85 percent of literate athletes (34 total in the U.S.) read SG. With that in mind, The Guys bring you how to retire from professional sports. Continue reading How To: Retire from professional sports

Hey, we write the ‘How Tos!’

Once again, another “recognized” media outlet is cramping our style. This time, it’s long-time reader/often linking to us CNN.

Look at their site today, and what do you find? “How to keep your kids pain-free.”

This work of outright theft is a numbered list of steps in bold font, followed by a paragraph or three of regular-font details.

Here’s an example from their “own” Web site:

5. Don’t be afraid of opiates

Opiates can help a child in severe pain, and the risks are small, pediatric pain experts say.

The sad part is, not only did they steal one of our featureswhich also runs on Thursdays — but they did it wrong.

You don’t make your kids pain-free with pinwheels and drugs; you burn all their nerves off at an early age before memories last. Think of it as a follow-up procedure to a circumcision or ear-piercing.

How To: Survive a recession

Economic wonks will tell you that a recession is two consecutive quarters of economic downturn, which technically, we haven’t had (at least until the reports are in in a few weeks). But we all know times are hard, and that is something we do not need to wait for. You are tired of paying so much for gas, you are tired of being jerked around by bill collectors and you are tired because you did not sleep very well after you got home from your third job.

Because of this, and our ongoing coverage telling you how to escape economic hardship, The Guys present how to survive a recession. Continue reading How To: Survive a recession

How To: Get answers

How many times has this happened to you?You wake up naked on a couch you don’t recognize … well, not entirely naked thanks to a strategically-placed sombrero. It’s daytime, though your hot, stinging brain wishes it wasn’t, but you can’t tell the time: a VCR flashes 12:00 over and over again.

Stumbling around using couch cushions as crotch- and butt-covers, you knock over the world’s largest beer can pyramid, to find the bathroom to this mystery apartment. “PENIS” scrawled across your forehead. You pray that it’s dry erase, but your futile wiping proves that, alas, it is Sharpee. Blood is dried at the corners of your lips, but it does not taste like your own.

You need answers, but how do you get them? That is the subject of this week’s How To: Get answers. Continue reading How To: Get answers

How To: Get in shape

The trees are budding, the temperatures are rising and the birds are singing. This can mean one of two things: 1) you are fighting off a delusional fever or 2) it’s spring time. For argument’s sake, let’s go with the latter on this one.

Because it’s spring time, you have probably realized that it’s time to shed your winter coat of blubber that has kept you warm all winter and helped you save money on the heating bill. The Guys are fitness buffs, as we have shown already. So now we are here to show you how to get in shape. Continue reading How To: Get in shape

Reminds me of my college years

A man in Pennsylvania had a rather confusing-written accident recently. The 38 year-old man, who just happened to be naked, drove his minivan down a local highway, and decided to climb out and get on the roof, in essence surfing on the car.

Not surprisingly, the car crashed shortly afterward. The crash launched him into some nearby woods, and he got a big cut on his side. Luckily for this blog, that’s not where the story ends.

The man then got up and went for a jog down the shoulder of the highway, because really, after an accident, the best thing to fight shock is a nude jaunt down the road. The man refused to listen to police commands to stop and had to be shocked with a Taser, which had no effect. Tackling, however, did.

Looks like someone’s been reading How To: Drive a car.