Despite calls for a cure for cancer whenever a new erectile dysfunction pill is developed, more parents are choosing not to vaccinate their daughters for the human papillomavirus (HPV) now that said cure actually exists.
The vaccine — commonly known as Gardasil — immunizes the recipient from HPV, a family of viruses that cause genital and anal warts and most cases of cervical cancer. HPV infects nearly all sexually active human beings on planet Earth, even if they only did oral or butt stuff or just once with some girl who lives in Canada. (Basically, if you’ve “done it,” you have it.)
44 percent of parents, however, do not plan to immunize their daughters. 16 percent hold concerns that the vaccine is unsafe, citing research by Some Guy on the Internet and Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn. And those who probably did no “research” at all just assumed it’s bad because it’s a vaccine.
17 percent, however, said their daughters don’t need it because they know their child isn’t sexually active. Fortunately, the vaccination is only effective prior to sex because, again, everybody has it, so it’ll be easier to catch their daughters and ground them for lying at their Purity Ball.
Look, as a comedy writer, sometimes I say and do mean things. My particular brand of comedy leans anywhere from provocative to “let’s see if my penis fits in there.” And, you know what? Sometimes I have to step back and say I’ve gone too far, especially when it concerns people’s feelings.
New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:
(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)