A terrorist group calling themselves “The Humane Society” (Nice name, you steal it off of some New Wave band?) is at it again. This time they are taking steps to make sure cows have tails.
Of course, this matter is important in California.
If we stop cutting of the tails of our cattle, what’s next? Activists will probably demand that we stop milking them for our selfish needs, or start eating f&#$ing veggie burgers!
Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.
To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.
However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.
Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our
former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.
The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.
The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.
UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.
In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the
inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.
In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.
We all remember that glorious fastball thrown by Randy Johnson that made a pigeon explode. The fact that it was caught on tape has cemented in the annals of history. Currently, it sits at the top of ESPN’s list of Greatest Highlights of the War on Animals. Now, there’s a new one.
A golfer killed a protected hawk because it was making noise during the filming of his show. Tripp Isenhour was filming a television show when a red shouldered hawk began squawking loudly and disrupting Isenhour. He got mad, drove over to the tree the hawk was in, and started hitting balls at it. Clearly, the bird was stupid, because it never flew off.
When the hawk came in closer, Isenhour said “I’ll get him now,” and hit the bird, killing it.
Now for some reason, the Humane Society is getting all uppity about it, and Isenhour could get fined or sent to jail for 14 months. This blog really doesn’t see why. Everyone who has ever golfed, regardless of their stance in the War on Animals, enjoys making birds scatter with an errant shot. Isenhour just had the drive to accomplish his goal–the sign of a true athlete and dedicated warrior.