Tag: hummer

Take it from Snee: Your car and you

Waaaaaay back in October 2008, when the pressing concern was how to vote, I wrote about the hidden messages behind bumper stickers. While you may think your memorial bumper sticker tells everyone that you are a passionate person in pain, to everyone else it signals that you might have a death wish to join your lost loved one and to steer clear.

At the time, I thought that was the only way to judge our fellow drivers … until I saw a P.T. Cruiser.

It was at that point that I realized that, while not every car has bumper stickers, every driver chooses a car to express themselves/pick up chicks. (Or, in the case of the minivan, to prevent your spouse from ever picking up chicks again.)

And yeah, I just called your van a car. So’s your truck and SUV. If you’re driving it to work and back, never using it to off-road, it’s a goddamn car. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your car and you

Hummer: no happy ending?

Everyone who sees a Hummer thinks one of two things: a) “Somebody has penis issues,” or–if you’re also a Hummer owner–b) “Mine’s bigger.”

But, those halcyon days of gloating from your Pontiac Aztec or PT Cruiser at stupider spending choices may be numbered. The Chinese have backed out of purchase negotiations of the line from General Motors.

With no buyers, GM may be forced to shut down the brand, ending all production. This may be the worst news for douchebags since cone snails, which are where puka shells come from, were added to the endangered species list.

GM will continue to look for offers for Hummer, but it’s not looking good to spokesman Nick Richards.

“Hummer going down?” Richards said. “It sucks, bra.”

Good idea, bad idea: science

Good Idea:

Creating rice that will live both 41 days and 41 nights. Even God might not be able to knock out a new precision bred strain of rice that is highly flood resistant. Feast, and be merry!

Bad Idea:

Creating robots that will end us all. AGAIN. Mad scientists, keep in mind that people don’t want things smaller. No, if anything that this Escalade/Expedition/Navigator/H2 generation has told us, it’s that people want things bigger. Don’t give into their wishes and make larger carnivorous robots. Ones the size of tables are bad enough.

Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you

Bumper stickers: they may be the only clues we have about our fellow drivers. It dawned on me that people put these on their vehicles explicitly to tell us about themselves and their wonderful children and whatnot.

I mean, sure, you think you’re just proud to have a kid in Cub Scouts. But how would, say, a pedophile scout leader read that? (Braggadocio, most likely.)

What they don’t realize, though, is that their bumper stickers may say things they never intended. As a service to you, I have decoded popular ones so that you may avoid embarrassment or even roadside homicide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you