Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

U.S. government enters the war between the owls

Owls are jerks. They are know-it-alls, and that’s why everyone hates them. Read a history book. But did you know that they don’t even like each other? And your tax dollars are about to exploit this weakness.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has given a few lucky biologists a license to kill owls. Their goal is to save one species of owl by taking out another one. The barred owl has made its way from the eastern U.S. and is now muscling out native owl species on the West Coast. And much like it did in the 1990s East Coast-West Coast rap war, the federal government is choosing a side and going lethal. The hope is that if enough of the barred owls are killed off, they won’t bother the native owls so much.

We’d like to commend fellow war correspondent Natalie Jacewicz for this stellar description.

The barred owl has speckled brown wings, teddy bear eyes and a hoot that sounds like a puppy mouthing a sock. This one also has a red laser dot on its head. After getting a good look, Lowell Diller fires his rifle. The owl tumbles off its perch to the ground.

Cool new trend: Hunting in zoos

Here in America, we have laws keeping hunting grounds and zoos far apart from each other. In Norway, that’s apparently not the case.

A group of hunters in Norway were out in search of moose, their hunting dogs picked up a scent, and found some of the large creatures. One of the hunters took a shot and dropped one. A little while later, the group realized they were hunting at a zoo. Apparently, the hunter’s shot was so good that it got through a fence, passed through the moose he was aiming at, and then struck another one. He hit too moose in one shot.

Truly it was an amazing shot. But moose aren’t hard to hit because of their size, and when they’re fenced in, it’s even easier. It’s more like shooting fish in a barrel than big game hunting.

You Missed It: Benched edition

Brady's agent allegedly destroying his phone.
Brady’s agent allegedly destroying his phone.

When I was a kid, my family would go to the beach for the first week of August. It was a great time, but it was also a bit depressing, because part of the trip was secretly about going outlet shopping for back-to-school stuff. It was like an end of the summer, even though it wasn’t over yet. Friends and family this week have been sending me pictures of fall seasonal beers they’re finding in stores. It brings me back to those last few days of vacation. So thanks for making me feel like a kid again, if a depressed one. If you were busy smashing your car into a U.S. Capitol barrier this week, odds are you missed it.

Guy refuses to give boss his private phone
This week, the NFL upheld four-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for throwing some footballs that weren’t filled with the exact amount of air required by league rules. Commissioner Roger Goodell decided that Commissioner Roger Goodell was correct in doling out the punishment, claiming that Brady ordered his cell phone destroyed before the league asked for it to be turned over. The real crime here is denying the world the nudes that were on that phone.

Lion low
An American dentist became the most hunted man in America after it was revealed that in Zimbabwe he illegally lured a famous lion out of a wildlife preserve and shot it. The internet collectively lost its mind over this. Walter Palmer faces possible charges in Zimbabwe, and here in the U.S., the Justice Department and the Fish and Wildlife Service are looking for him. Roger Goodell has suspended him for two games, and could increase it to a full season if video of the incident surfaces.

There is no 9
Also this week, Microsoft released Window 10, the latest version of his popular operating system. The OS is free for pretty much anyone who bought a Windows computer in the last five or six years, and is being downloaded by millions. So get ready for a call from your parents asking how you do the thing that takes you to the internet.

Killing bears with the ‘itis

Shot himself a bar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier!
♪ ♫ Shot himself a b’ar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier! ♬ ♫

You would assume that hunting gets more dangerous and sexy based on the dangerousness of the prey. Basically, you progress from hunting ants with a magnifying glass to amphibious anti-air assaults on ducks, eventually graduating to Predator-style hunts of the most dangerous game: man. And somewhere in there, you go mano-a-mano with a bear, Crockett-style.

What nobody tells you, though, is that bear hunting is actually a lazy endeavor involving 90 pounds of chocolate bait — which is about 80 pounds more than you need to hunt premenstrual women.

It’s gotten so bad that New Hampshire wildlife officials want hunters to stop using chocolate bait because it alone kills more bears than they intended.

And we agree. Bear death by chocolate is the most disappointing dénouement for any war — much less the War on Animals — since World War II in Europe when the Nazis covered up Hitler’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation death with a bullet, cyanide and cremation and killing his dogs and girlfriend to eliminate any witnesses.

The McBournie Minute: Who’s ready for some ballot issues?

If you live in America, and if you’re not getting bombed right now, there’s a good chance you do, tomorrow’s a big day. Not only is it Taco Tuesday, it’s also mid-term election day. That means you get to go to the polls, wait in line, then check off the name of the person whose crazy ads offended you the least–if you feel like going at all.

But honestly, choosing our leaders isn’t as important as the ballot issues that are coming up. These things rarely have the kind of publicity as the people crazy enough to want to hold elected office. Plus, ballot issues don’t have egos they need stroked by public approval every few years. The only time you hear about ballot issues is when some faith group gets involved (read: anything related to abortion or marriage equality).

So to make sure you’re prepared tomorrow, here’s a quick overview of the ballot measures you may see tomorrow, and how to vote on them. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Who’s ready for some ballot issues?

These aren’t crocodile tears — they’re real

"Game over, man. Game over."
“Game over, man. Game over.”

Crocodiles and alligators use tools.

Let us repeat that in the appropriate tone: Crocodiles and alligators have joined the tool users club.

Researchers observed crocodiles and alligators (so here, too, not just Australia and Africa) placing sticks over their snouts as lures for birds. Once any birds perch, then the croc does the equivalent of flipping a quarter from your elbow to your hand, snapping up bird and stick whole.

So, the non-tool-using crocodiles are just pussies.
So, the non-tool-using crocodiles are just pussies.

As our own developmental history indicates, once a species learns to use tools, they step onto an exponentially accelerated fast track to iPods and nuclear weapons. And that it’s reptiles this time instead of ants or crows is, frankly, terrifying.

And the worst part? We already lost our species’ greatest hope in defeating them … to a stingray.


Via Patrick H.

You’re not even safe on the toilet

Since it’s more or less hunting season for one animal or another throughout the fall and winter, it’s time for a reminder that sometimes the hunter can become the hunted, or just really need target practice.

In Norway, a man was out elk hunting, which is surprising, because it seems like they should be hunting reindeer instead. He carefully cocked his rifle, aimed at his prey, and we can only assume then closed his eyes and fired at random. Incredibly, he missed the elk, and instead hit a nearby cabin. The bullet traveled through the wall, into a bathroom, and struck a 70-year-old man who happened to be using the facility at that moment.

The man is in serious but stable condition in the hospital. The elk seemed to have gotten away. The guys are still suspicious that the elk tricked the hunter into such a terrible shot.

‘Hunters Needed: Inquire Within Wisconsin’

Wisconsin loves hunters, almost as much as bratwursts, cheese and the Green Bay Packers (they definitely rank higher than replacement refs). However, hunters don’t seem to love Wisconsin quite as much, though. This is a problem for the state, as it’s being reported in stats that 28 hunters can support 1 job, which is the oddest math that I’ve seen.

Nevertheless, the Department of Natural Resources is on top of the problem! They’re running a program called Hunter Challenge 2012, something like a recruitment drive for people that use deer urine and orange clothing. Best of all, the program will allow discounts on licenses, making our war against the hated animals that much more cost-efficient! Literally, more bang for your buck.

OHGODIMSOASHAMEDOFSAYINGTHAT

Man’s best friend = man’s worst enemy

There’s really no way to sugarcoat this story: a Utah man was hunting over the weekend with his friend. He left his shotgun in his boat, along with his pet dog.

The dog shot his ass.

How is this not an automatic declaration of war? It was only through his human ingenuity to be wearing waders at the time that saved him from worse injuries. Take that, dogs of war.