‘Hunters Needed: Inquire Within Wisconsin’

Wisconsin loves hunters, almost as much as bratwursts, cheese and the Green Bay Packers (they definitely rank higher than replacement refs). However, hunters don’t seem to love Wisconsin quite as much, though. This is a problem for the state, as it’s being reported in stats that 28 hunters can support 1 job, which is the oddest math that I’ve seen.

Nevertheless, the Department of Natural Resources is on top of the problem! They’re running a program called Hunter Challenge 2012, something like a recruitment drive for people that use deer urine and orange clothing. Best of all, the program will allow discounts on licenses, making our war against the hated animals that much more cost-efficient! Literally, more bang for your buck.


Man’s best friend = man’s worst enemy

There’s really no way to sugarcoat this story: a Utah man was hunting over the weekend with his friend. He left his shotgun in his boat, along with his pet dog.

The dog shot his ass.

How is this not an automatic declaration of war? It was only through his human ingenuity to be wearing waders at the time that saved him from worse injuries. Take that, dogs of war.

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.

Warrior of the Week: Simon Hughes

Are to tired of feeling like you are a real man? As if Cammie Colin, the 16-year old cheerleader who killed an alligator with a bow and arrow wasn’t enough, we humbly submit Simon Hughes, 5, who brought down a 12 1/2-foot, 800-pound alligator. (Nearly a record size in Texas.)

Simon used a gun. In some states, a five-year old with a gun might raise some red flags, but in Texas, it’s perfectly acceptable. The kid has been shooting since he was four, so you know he’s experienced and responsible and all that.

If Simon is killing members of Al-Igator, shouldn’t you be doing more to fight animals, girly man?

What has six hooves and hates you?

Deer threaten cars everywhere and mostly serve as an excuse to get our nation’s gun enthusiasts out into the forest for days at a time. This quiet, unimposing animal disarms most people with its cute behavior, but as we all know, the only good deer is one mounted on a wall.

But that does not stop the deer from trying. They have rolled out their newest version of terror, the 2009 models are in, and deer now have 50 percent more legs to kill you. A six-legged deer was found in Georgia and is currently “in physicians’ care,” which we all know to mean “ready for a horrible death.” Veterinarians do not want to release the freak back into the wild, because it might get hurt or, you know, have six-legged deer babies someday.

This blog says there is but one solution to this problem: we need the advice of Smith and Wesson.