The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.
A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.
A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.
Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.
Ahead of Hurricane Irma, most Floridians got out of Dodge, while some fools decided to hang around and party their way through it. But no matter how awesome the party, no one did Hurricane Irma better than the people on a cruise ship.
Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!
But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.
Key quote from a Houston bartender:
Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”
Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.
There’s a political adage that, in every crisis, there is an opportunity. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory has found a way to end the reign of fedoras as Hurricane Arthur approaches, instructing local morons that “this is no time to put your stupid hat on.”
And it makes sense.
For one, stupid hats are really impractical in high wind situations unless you pin them. And if you pin a stupid hat on in a hurricane, then you’re just begging god to rip off your stupid scalp and presumably the presumably stupid haircut under said hat. The waste management system could be clogged for weeks with excess water, downed trees and “ironic” trucker hats gumming up the works.
And, secondly, there are about to be a lot weathermen in stupid ponchos and cameras around for the next day or so. If the locals wear their stupid hats in all those stupid outdoor shots of wind, then we won’t know what stupid truly looks like anymore.
David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.
What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.
Spy-outer and Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.
Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.
Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”
Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.