At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Hurricanes defeated via butterflies

Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there's no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.
Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there’s no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.

It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.

Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).

Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)

Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.

Your sexism applies to hurricanes

If we told you that Hurricane Betsy was coming your way, would you flee? What about Hurricane Michael? Some scientists say you aren’t afraid of storms with female names.

It turns out that storms with female names tend to kill more people. Researchers don’t think it’s because they’re any nastier or moodier (at least not while they’re in earshot), but that people tend to take hurricanes with male names more seriously. They suggest that any given hurricane would kill three times as many people if it has a woman’s name.

The good news for women out there is that hurricanes are punishing the sexists.

You Missed It: Break-in edition

It's going to get worse when the Civil War honor flight comes to town.
It’s going to get worse when the Civil War honor flight comes to town.

Apparently we’re finally going to get a tropical storm to make landfall in the U.S. this year. To me, this hurricane season has been a lot like the summer movie season, it was projected to be an above-average year, but really, nothing meaningful ended up materializing. I feel bad, because I love a good hurricane. I feel bad, but I watch an oncoming storm with the same excitement as those guys on the Weather Channel. I’m kind of hoping something interesting head my way this year, if nothing else, it’s an excuse to stay inside and drink. If you were busy showing off your “proof” of Bigfoot this week, odds are you missed it.

Shutdown sequence initiated
As everyone had predicted all summer long, Congress was not able to come up with a budget for the new fiscal year, which means it had to shut down. Democrats claim a group of Republicans is holding the country hostage, while Republicans say if Democrats just give into their demands, nobody gets hurt. Everyone was able to come together and cheer this week when an honor flight of World War II veterans broke into their war’s closed memorial on the National Mall. It turned out to be a stunt by a few GOP lawmakers, who probably faced a lot of questions from the veterans about whether their Social Security checks will bounce.

This is going to get good
This week, Sinead O’Connor sent an open letter to walking Halloween costume Miley Cyrus, cautioning her against letting herself be “prostituted” by those around her and herself for the sake of show business. Swinging naked on a wrecking ball and licking a sledgehammer might not be sending the right message for the long haul. Noticeably absent from the letter was any plea for her to stop doing that stupid tongue thing and hanging out with giant teddy bears. However, if you’re getting told by the woman who put a personal ad on her own website that maybe you should tone it down, that’s got to be an eye-opener.

Road closed, find an alternate route
The FBI announced this week that it arrested the suspected operator of the black market site Silk Road and seized the site itself. Silk Road was a site where one could buy drugs and other illicit services, like murder for hire. The FBI said it brought down the site the same way the real Silk Road was ended — with the rise of the Ottoman Empire.

You Missed It: There goes your fantasy team edition

It seems like a lot of Fridays are all about people running away. Mostly, it’s because people are running away to go enjoy the weekend. They don’t care about you or your stupid economy. But we’re always here for you, except when were on vacation. If you were too busy answering questions for Charles Gibson this week, odds are you missed it.

Guess it’s back to knocking up models until next September
On Sunday, in quarter 1 of week 1 of the NFL season, legendary New England quarterback Tom Brady injured his knee against the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, the NFL lost its reigning MVP only a few minutes after his season had started. Wait a minute, this wasn’t supposed to happen! Brady wasn’t on the cover of Madden NFL 09.

The illest of all the dictators
We said it a week ago: if you talk smack about a world leader on your blog, they will read it and take it to heart. Less than a week after we said Kim Jong Il “sucks,” the dictator of the People’s Glorious Worker’s Paradise in the Republic of the Magnificent North Korea was noticeably absent from the country’s 60th anniversary celebration. This is kind of like not showing up to your own party. It has been reported that Kim may have had brain surgery after a recent stroke which was brought on by a deadly capitalist blood clot.

No ‘hike’ until after Ike
Hurricane Ike, currently a Category 2 storm, is on its (his?) way to Texas, after pummeling the Caribbean earlier this week. Galveston, Texas and parts of Houston have been evacuated, as Ike is expected to strengthen before making landfall tonight. The NFL has even postponed the Baltimore Ravens-Houston Texans game until Monday. This means that Ike is easily the worst storm named after a president since–wait, no. This one’s just not working for me. Moving right along ….

Kanye West doesn’t like photographers
And finally, rapper Kanye West made headlines this week, not for his music or his mouth. No, this time actions spoke louder than words. West had landed at LAX airport in Los Angeles only a few minutes before, and the paparazzi was there to greet him. Unfortunately, West did not appear to like it. A video appears to show him attacking two photographers, ripping their cameras out of their hands and smashing them. West was arrested on suspicion of vandalism. West’s spokesman said the flash went through the rapper’s lensless sunglasses, which aggrivated him very much.