Kuwait proposes MILF grant

Kuwait has an infestation, and they need a few good men to root it out: unmarried women.

Spinsters are wrecking the oil-rich nation. The Kuwaiti government already pays men 4000 dinars ($14,000) to marry one woman. Now, they’re considering paying a similar dowry for marrying a second woman, who must be widowed, divorced or 40-years-old.

So, they might have that going for them.

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Oh, that old joke

Believe it or not, ancient civilizations were not just about wrestling nude or growing bitchin’ goatees. The ancients also seem to have had a sense of humor. So much so, that researchers say the world’s oldest known joke dates back to 1900 BC, to Sumeria. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Now that you are done rolling around on the floor, let us analyze this joke. First off, it shows us that humans have loved toilet humor since long before there were toilets. Because of this, we should call it something like “hole dug in the sand humor.” Secondly, it shows us that while evolution may only be a theory, the evolution of humor is a law. Here is how we would say it today:

“My wife was sitting on my lap the other day (I know it seems strange, but she’s half my age, I’m 26, by the way) and she farted. Now, it took all the self restraint I could muster not to throw her across the room in digust. It got me wondering, does this happen to everyone?”

How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Continue reading How To: Control that man o’ yours