Coming soon to N.Y.: Beer floats

Summer is most decidedly here. And the residents of New York may soon have a new way to cool off this summer, if the state government gets its act together.

The New York state Senate recently passed a bill that would allow the sale of beer or hard cider with ice cream. This dream come true now heads to the state Assembly, where many thirsty onlookers believe it will pass. Apparently the state already allows wine and ice cream to be sold together, but that sounds gross.

If selling ice cream and beer becomes law, that means New Yorkers are that much closer to buying a Jack and Coke float. Dare to believe.

It’s a golden age for the Australian food industry

In Australia, you can now build a whole meal around cannabis. It’s being reported that ice cream, cake and beer made with pot have been given the green light in spite of fears that the “marijuana munchies” could trigger their own red light. Isn’t that just a fantastic name: “the marijuana munchies.” Nothing says panic like terms out of the roaring twenties.

The decision results from an appeal by Andrew Katelaris, a former doctor who was de-registered for supplying medical marijuana to patients, who said,

“Our vision is that anything you can do with soy beans or dairy you can do better with hemp seed.”

In fact, Food Standards Australia New Zealand found that industrial hemp contained such low levels of the psychedelic ingredient known as THC that no one eating food containing it would feel the effect. FSZNZ even went as far as to say that “hemp seed is nutritious food containing sizeable amounts of protein, polyunsaturated fats and dietary fiber.”

The best news about this? Maybe hemp advocates will stop making those ugly macrame bags and turn their attention to food. But honestly, I won’t lose any sleep if they go with just the former.

Should’ve gone with chocolate chips instead

We’re gonna go on a lark here, but we’re pretty sure that you, our SG audience, is familiar with the concept of Coldstone Creamery or Maggie Moo, right? You pick a gigantic glob of flavored ice cream at whichever size you prefer (glob, globby and Kraft Globboroni & Cheese is the globbiest) and your dessert is then taken to an ice cold freezer plate, where you can have ‘mix-ins’ (candy pieces, fruit bits, syrups) added into your ice cream to make one enormous concoction.

Now, mind you, the mix-ins usually cost extra. But if you’re really lucky, you’ll get the mix-ins for free! And if you’re really lucky, you’ll get them from a place that doesn’t even offer mix-ins!

This makes Teresa McMillen’s daughter, who found a piece of metal in a small, cup size, hand-held carton of Walmart’s Great Value brand ice cream to be the luckiest person ever born.

Number 11: Thou Shall Not Need To Add Whipped Cream

Marketers exist in a fast-paced world. Their lives usually consist of inventing amazing campaigns that will stay in a person’s mind; but more often than not, said campaigns linger around for no more than around two months at most. That’s just craziness.

Of course, if you’re the Antonio Federici ice cream company, then your marketers are facing even more overwhelming odds. The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has decided that Federici’s ad, involving what appears to be a pregnant nun eating the ice cream and a tag line stating “immaculately conceived,” is to be banned. The reasoning is that it might possibly offend Roman Catholics.

This is malarkey, and we’re not afraid to tell you the truth. The ASA didn’t ban it because of offense; it banned the ad because of pressure from a secret society that has their fingers in an untold number of sweet and indulgent conspiracies: the Fudgeluminati.

Now that I’ve revealed this truth, pray that I don’t wake up tomorrow as a chocolate-covered Chug.

Swine Flu Madness!

Either way, the tummy ache is worth it.

Just a reminder: while only one person in the U.S. has died of swine flu, over 13,000 died from the regular-ass flu this year.

This message is brought to you by Purell.

Ice cream cured patient zero
, a little boy in Mexico.

This message is brought to you by Ben and Jerry’s Neato-Burrito flavored ice cream, now approved by the AMA.

Don’t they see what he’s doing?

Treymane Durham pled guilty to murder in exchange for a feast of KFC and Popeye’s, “calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream.” He received the first half on plea, the second half on sentencing.

Knowing he would receive a life sentence, he also got married in a hurry.

So to recap: he raised his cholesterol so he wouldn’t live as long and got married so he wouldn’t mind dying, both of which will shorten his life sentence the old fashioned way.

This is one smart inmate.

The bees are still dedicated to their cause

Bees are among the most obviously dangerous enemies the common man can have. But as we have been reporting for the past year, bees have been mysteriously disappearing. For some reason, scientists wanted to find out why and they seem to think there is a bee parasite driving them away.

But now, after all this time, it seems there has been a more sinister reason for the bees’ disappearance. They have been offing themselves to keep from producing honey we depend on for so many foods, not to mention the pollination of fruits and vegetables. Haagen-Daz recently announced that their flavors could be taking a hit because of this crisis.

We finally know the horrible reason bees have been declining: they want to hurt us by taking away our ice cream.