Oregon favors ‘don’t know’ for governor

Idaho is known as a potato-growing safe haven for right-wing militia groups. And they’re choosing a new governor next year. Right now, no one is going to win.

There are three Republicans and no Democrats in the race, and according to recent polls, “don’t know” has a clear advantage right now. A whopping 36% of voters said they don’t know who they will vote for, followed by Lt. Gov. Brad Little with 21%, U.S. Rep. Raul Labrador with 17%, and some local businessman you’ve never heard of with 17%. The primaries are just six months away.

None of the Above finally has a chance to win a race!

Idaho wants babies to own guns

Who could say no to this face -- when it's pointing a gun at you?
Who could say no to this face — when it’s pointing a gun at you?

Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.

The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.

The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.

Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

Parrots: the talking killer

For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.

But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.

Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.

And that’s totally what parrots will do (warning: autoplay). Because nothing is deadlier than spitting in the face of our Constitution. America.

Abnormal animal-watch 2015 has already begun

Animals! We are at war with them and as such, it is of the utmost importance to monitor their more … aberrant warriors. But don’t worry! Most of the time, we take care of the problem.

Like in Boise, Idaho! A fisherman was able to catch an unusually fat rainbow trout. Unfortunately, the simpleton proceeded to release the animal back into the wild. We’re unsure if the animal was simply large or with spawn due to his mistake, but I’m sure a proper punishment will be sent.

That said, in Spartansburg, South Carolina, a farmer has preserved a two-headed calf. The farmer is claiming he’s keeping it due to its rarity, but while some might make the claim that such an action is more than a little morbid, we support all trophies to keep our enemies in line.

Different kind o’ fire pit

Ahoy there, mateys! Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. The Guys will be postin’ accordin’ly, lest ye think we all had strokes overnight.

We love when the media be causin’ a panic an’ jumpin’ to conclusions. Remember “the knockout game” that wasn’t really a thing? We’re hopin’ the next craze be the armpit fire game.

Five teenagers in Idaho were injured in a crash when someone set the driver o’ the SUV’s armpit hair ablaze. It not be hard to imagine the panic when the captain o’ the land ship felt a burnin’. The local authorities charged the driver and the teen with the lighter.

An epic game of beer pong ensued

Imagine you’re driving down the highway when all of a sudden it starts to hail. But you notice that the hail is bouncing off of your car, rather than smashing into it. Then you realize ping pong balls are falling from the sky.

In Idaho, this adverse weather really happened. On Saturday, revelers at the Blackfoot Pride Days looked to the sky for a plane to drop ping pong balls on them, each redeemable for a prize. However, the pilot missed, and dropped them on a nearby Interstate instead.

Instead, a game of “play in traffic” probably broke out.

Right level of concern directed at wrong target

The F-word. The F-bomb. No matter what you call it, the word that starts with an F and rhymes with luck is a bit of a fire starter. Horses neigh and women cover the ears of children when it’s spoken in public. So of course, a great level of worry was was brought about when a restaurant used the word on their marquee.

Here’s the thing: all of the people, screaming to the world about the vileness of the word’s public exposure, are wrong.

Be concerned not because it’s out and exposed to the world, but because it’s not correctly being used in the past tense. Proper grammar and spelling, people.

His believability might not be that reliable

Shaun Winkler is running for sheriff of Bonner County in Idaho.

Shaun Winkler also readily admits his current ties to the Aryan Nations and the Church of Jesus Christ-Scientist (as opposed to the Church of Jesus Christ-Latter Day Saints and the Church of Jesus Christ-Oligarch).

Winkler believes that his ties will not influence his ability to enforce the law fairly and would not be subject to racial profiling.

“Most people don’t know that we don’t just oppose the Jews and the negroes,” he said. “We also oppose sexual predators and drugs of any kind.”

“But if they happen to also be Jews or negroes, hey, awesome, right guys? It’s like a Venn Diagram.” Winkler may have been heard saying subsequently after.

Big Man of the Day Award

This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.

It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.

For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!

Also, some honorary mentions for the KBOI2.com commentors who only wish Miller had done more!