IKEA free gun giveaway scuttled

IKEA is a rough place. You’ve got hundreds of people all crammed into one long line of showrooms, figuring out what furniture they want to assemble, use and leave when they move out of their apartment. Fights are bound to happen in a situation like that, and that’s why you need to be strapped.

In Indiana, a child found a gun lodged in a couch at IKEA, and probably some change. The kid took out the gun and fired it, as one does. Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident, and the store remained open, the people’s access to Swedish meatballs was not infringed.

The store claims that a man carrying the gun sat down on the couch and didn’t realize when it fell off of him. But it’s pretty obvious that IKEA is putting guns in their showrooms to get people in the door. Hurry on over to your local store before the free guns are gone.

American lifestyle under attack

In the War on Animals, we know that the outdoors are dangerous. But, man has always held the upper hand because that upper hand is holding money. So long as our economy remains strong, we will be able to stay inside our homes where animals can’t get in. (Unless they’re being put in the freezer. Then they may come indoors in bulk.)

But, what if animals destroy our economy?

That’s exactly what they’re trying to do, whether it’s through bears in a mall or now a monkey at IKEA. The bear attacks were unsophisticated attempts to scare shoppers out of supporting our economy. But, a monkey making a mockery out of our most beloved shopping ritual: arguing with spouses at America’s greatest Swedish store while wearing a trendy coat? Who wouldn’t look at one of our closest relatives and wonder, “Is that what I look like?”

Humans, do not allow let animals make monkeys out of us. Buying furniture that we build ourselves is still very respectable and vital defense spending.

Newest Highlander found in Sweden

Everyone thinks of Sweden in positive terms: IKEA, Swedish bikini teams, Malin Åkerman, etc. There’s now another aspect to add to that list: immortality.

A 45 year old man was apparently trapped in his car for two months. Why list him as a potential immortal? The upper limit on living without food is about one month. Now, there’s the possibility that his body went into a stasis of sort, putting himself into a self-imposed hibernation state, especially considering the temperature in the area had plummeted to 22 degrees below zero. But that’s a silly and farfetched idea. The most logical theory is that he’s a Highlander.

Considering I’m just a little under half his age, that must mean I’m nearly double the highlander he is. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Scottish man badly pretending to be Spanish to find.

You Missed It: Rise of the machines edition

I’ll be honest with you, folks. I would much rather be outside enjoying my Friday and I’m sure you would, too. In my woods of the neck, or however the kids are saying it these days, it’s over 70 degrees outside. But still, there is work to be done, and there is it to be missed. If you were busy upsetting at the Grammys, odds are you missed it.

I’ll be impressed when it wins ‘American Idol’
IBM’s Watson computer competed against former champs Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on Jeopardy!, this week, with the computer pretty much winning handily every time. The machine showed the depth of its referential knowledge when it selected “Famous Titties for $500.”

Worst of both worlds
In an interview, Billy Ray Cyrus said he regretted ever introducing his daughter to fame through Hannah Montana, saying that the show ruined his family. Cyrus said that his daughter, Miley, 18, is now potentially in a great deal of danger, and is surrounded by a lot of bad influences in her life. He said he feels powerless as a father to protect her from these dangers. It’s been 19 years since “Achy Breaky Heart” was released, but karma finally made its way back.

IKEA announced that it will be building its own wind farm in Sweden. When completed, the turbines will supply the company with enough energy to supply about 17 of its stores. In keeping with IKEA quality, the turbines will come in boxes with assembly required, and there’s a decent chance they will start falling apart in a few months.