McCain couldn’t even make it to 2012 before ‘confusion’

News Flash! from The Guys’ “Holy Crap, Did We Dodge A Bullet There” Department: Former Presidential candidate, suspected carnival pirate ghost and Sen. John McCain cannot fathom why people would be upset that he blamed a wildfire on illegal immigrants. Though McCain claimed to hear this from a forest service officer, the U.S. Forest Service says there is no evidence of this claim whatsover.

McCain then said, presumably sleepily, that he meant “that other fire. You know, the one started by the beaners …. What? You can’t say ‘beaners’ anymore? But that’s what Carlos Mencia says, and he’s a, er, Latin.”

Liberals are from Venus, conservatives from France

One of the biggest ongoing political debates in this country is that of immigrants, their legal status and whether they are responsible for crime.

The side portrayed by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer and her supporters is that illegal Mexicans and other illegal Latin American immigrants have turned her state into “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.”

In response, it’s time to crack down on anyone suspicious, whether they worship a funny invisible god with an aversion to caricature artists, or they refuse to wear their immigration papers on their necks with their rabies licenses.

After all, when you’re in America, you better damn well act like a French president?

Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Hey, kidz! It’s been awhile since the court allowed us to run one of our Kidz Korner features, which is so very, very whack. But, we’re back, so it’s time for us to talk–no grown-ups allowed.

If you’re a student in Arizona, then you might have noticed your mommies and daddies frothing at the mouth a bit, especially if they’re European-Americans. It may seem a little crazy or wrong, especially when they’re trying to get rid of your Mexican-American teachers and students.

Just make sure you know that it’s not racist. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

Representing the angry folks

"And keep your healthcare reform off my lawn!"With a single shout, U.S. Representative Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) has become the face of what happens when a political party gets too comfortable shouting at passing cars.

Wilson could not contain himself during President Barack Obama’s speech about healthcare reform on Wednesday.

He shouted, “You lie!” after Obama promised the proposed bill would not provide health care to illegal immigrants.

Wilson stated that he “let [his] emotions get the better of [him]” because he disagrees with the President. However, several colleagues have attested that the phrase “illegal immigrant” is his rage trigger, no matter the context.

“Joe once shouted ‘Hot salami tuna roll!’ at me after I joked that E.T. was an illegal alien,” said Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.). “I thought he just really loved that little brown guy.”

Savage: Loves America so much that he wants to leave

When it comes to being on the radio, it used to mean you were just ugly. Nowadays, it also helps to be a moron like Michael Savage.

Savage, who is known to rally the simple and easily-led against any further immigration and sealing off the borders, is angry because he’s not allowed to visit England.

Let’s break that down:

1. Savage hates foreigners coming to his country for, in his opinion, ruining the language, refusing to respect our government and breaking the law to enter because they’re not on the official list. (A list that he wants eliminated, by the way.)

2. He wants to enter the United Kingdom, a country whose language some would believe we’ve ruined, whose constitutional monarchy is the butt of our jokes and he’d have to break the law to get in because he’s not on the list. (Actually, he’s on a list: the do-not-allow-into-the-UK list.)

3. Savage hates lawyers for defending illegal immigrants in the United States and believes that their efforts to change immigration law is morally wrong.

4. He’s using British lawyers to get him off the banned list, changing British immigration law.

So, the real message of the Savage Nation would be: “Can I please leave the United States of America? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?