Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

Apparently lion meat is a problem

It seems like an almost daily occurrence when we find out that certain places are serving horse meat rather than beef. The Guys don’t have any problem with this, an animal is an animal, but in Illinois they’re so over that, you guys. They’re on to lion meat.

A state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of lion meat, because he thinks he knows of a couple places that have been serving it. This makes sense, because Chicago is known to be overrun with lions. Still, we hope that Illinois leaders will see the greater worth of freedom of meat, and defeat the bill.

Can’t take the heat? Get out of the garden

For those with taste buds that range on the mild side, this will not be good news for you.

There’s a drought that’s been affecting the Midwest of the country, also known as the part of the country that produces the vast majority of produce for us. That’s bad. BUT! There’s one bit of good news to come out of it. At least, if you’re a masochist.

Thanks to the longer, hotter days, peppers are producing more capsaicin than they usually would. As such, we’re now getting hotter peppers. Ones turn into threes. Threes turn into fives. Nines turn into sixteens (I never was very good at math). It’s a veritable golden age for those that prefer to not be able to feel their tongue!

Today … in racism

With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.

Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.

But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.

It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.

The court says mom knows best

Despite our occasionally boorish behavior, we at SG are quite nice individuals. We absolutely love our parents (we definitely love your mom) and try to be the best people possible. They may not be the best, but our parents are our parents, and we’re thankful for everything that they’ve done for us.

Mind you, everything that I’ve written just now is potentially up for grabs. You see, an Illinois appeals court recently dismissed a court case that saw two children suing their mother for “bad mothering.” Said bad mothering consisted of Kimberly Garrity, the mother in question, not sending her son care packages at college, not buying her daughter a homecoming dress and not sending money in birthday cards.


The state appeals court said allowing the lawsuit to go forward “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family child rearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.

So, keep this in mind: while we love our parents, our love is quite literally contingent on future legal ramifications.

Welcome to White America

Collinsville, Illinois is a town in America. Statistically, almost 92 percent of its population is white. Located in its town is the world’s largest catsup bottle. Furthermore, Michael Stipe of R.E.M. graduated high school from Collinsville. Recently, the town banned low-riding pants.

Based off the above facts, we can only assume that Collinsville, Illinois, is the whitest town in America, rivaling only some locations in Germany and Australia. Along with that, we suspect that Collinsville is located not too far from Sensible Slacks, Missouri.

We hear that 1997 is preparing to file a lawsuit with the town.

Senior citizen discount does NOT equal five finger discount

Jennie T. Gatses, from Homer Glen, Illinois, was caught by security guards at the local Dominick’s stuffing four cans of crab meat and four Wii games in her purse while out with the grandchildren.

While Gatses claimed “she was going to pay for the items once her grandchildren were in the car”, a quick record search showed that she’s been busted for retail theft a number of times previously. So she was promptly busted again.

Some might say that she’s setting a bad example for the kids. On the contrary! She’s clearly showing them that persistence yields succ…no, it’s still failure. Never mind.

Foreign fish-the new illegal immigrant

The Supreme Court recently refused to issue an injunction in a case between Illinois and Michigan.

That’s not what we should be worried. The really crux of the problem is Asian carp. Yes, somehow, in the Midwest rivers of our great, American country, Asian carp have made their way into our land. Did they take a citizenship test? No. Do they pay any taxes at all? No. Do they even have the courtesy to speak our language? NO!

Now, listen-I’m just one man. But even I know when we’re clearly leaning on a slippery slope to pure communism thanks solely to the illegal immigration of Asian carp. You should be afraid because the ambassador to Atlantis is remaking America. He’s just not remaking it the way you thought he would. He’s just remaking it into a place that’s a whole lot crappier. Kind of a hybrid between Mu and Sea World. He’s taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe Chrodatan, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. Teardrop.

Have you had your bling today?

A Chicago man has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s Corporation after he says he swallowed a gold earring in his sandwich. No, this was not a Happy Meal toy.

The plaintiff, Boguslaw Nedza, claims that after he ate the sandwich “the earring became lodged in his throat and stomach and efforts to remove it by emergency personnel were unsuccessful.” What does this mean? It means that Nedza is now suing McDonald’s for the injuries he sustained from ingesting the jewelry. It also means that Nedza probably had to poop out the earring.

Heh, poop.

Among the charges McDonald’s faces is failing to “prepare and serve food in a reasonable safe condition,” and failing to warn Nedza that his food contained “a gold earring with a sharp needle and clasp rending it unfit for consumption.” Because, you know, that’s something they regularly do.

Also, I’m not sure if the name “Boguslaw” is a fake name or not. It could totally go either way.