Tag: implant

We smell a cyber rat

No, we’re not talking about the return of the Cybermen on the most recent episode of Doctor Who. But, according to this story, that’s not far off.

Scientists from Tel Aviv University in Israel have restored brain function in test rats’ disabled cerebellums (they started on the right track) with a synthetic one (and then leapt right off onto the wrong one). Sure, they only taught the rat to blink to a sound tone, but the goal is to eventually “replicate complex areas of the brain,” which could restore full function to the disabled or even improve undamaged brains.

The only silver lining is that there will now be some competition with the cockroaches to succeed the human race should we lose this war.

Squid are proud creatures

Yesterday marked the first day of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. military, finally allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual service members serve openly, even in war zones. And, not to be outdone, our animal foes have matched us tit-for-tentacle: male deep sea squids have come out to our scientists as bisexual.

It’s a shame, too, because a lot of Southern high schools have to change their mascots now.

Lord Cheney: Arise

Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.

The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.

The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).

The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.

Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.

What is this, where will Apple insert it?

ANSWER: It's a Turn-of-the-Century Handy Tobacco Churn.

CNET blogger Donald Bell raises an interesting/ALARMING question about Apple’s latest patent application: is this “the missing link” to the eventual iPod brain implant?

Sure, the drawing may look like an old-timey patent circa the cotton gin or filtered cigarettes. But if you look closer (go on), it’s actually a headset MP3 player.

But that’s not all! It’s a Bluetooth headset that stores your media files, plays them like a Shuffle (same four songs, infinitum) and records voice notes and can still connect to your phone, etc.

So, it plays the same song stuck over and over in your brain, records your thoughts, operates your phone and probably undresses people you see on the street.

Sounds like our brains, only with memory.

Cure for blindness not nearly as awesome as citrus fruits

Bah! A tooth? That’s not a cure, that’s simply molly-coddling devices that allow ye to be slobbering with comely wenches! Blindness never impeded any good pirate: they still fight on. Give me two minutes and I could tell you of the blind pirate Soggy Cheesebeard Slappy and how he fought off the 15th Royal British Navy with but a peg leg, a parrot and a bottle of rum.

What’s that? I don’t have one? YARRRGH! Ye be true pillager of me chronal treasures!

Fine then! To be making a long tale a bit smaller, a wench somehow was able to have her looking ability given back to her not by the haunts of the sea, but by a tooth placed in her eye socket. ‘Tis a far too expensive and time-wasting procedure if ye be askin’ me. Simply give her some oranges and limes to fight off the scurvy and she’d be right as rain. YAR!