Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.
So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.
The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).
If you think our nation’s Mexican-themed fast food places are pushovers just because they fold up the same three ingredients for different prices, think again.
One late night pushy Taco Bell customer ate lukewarm stainless steel after harassing an employee at 4 am. According to police, the employee shot the enraged 4th-mealer with a BB gun after the two fought in the parking lot.
And, if the salsa doesn’t give you a weird feeling in your stomach at Chipotle, how about two people having sex on top of it? (OK, so it was on the roof, 6 feet over the salsa. But still: nas-tay.) They were arrested and charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, loitering, resisting arrest (they tried to run) and conspiracy. Police would not confirm if the conspiracy was to steer more people to Moe’s, the least sexy burrito Subway in the world.
One thing is clear from both situations: do not screw with (or on) America’s taco emporiums.