In space, no one can hear you scream about roaming charges

Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer's June 1978 claim that we'll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.
Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer’s June 1978 claim that we’ll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.

Researchers from the University of Surrey launched a smartphone into orbit from India. They will then test the theory presented in the May 1979 issue of renown science journal, Poster for Alien, by Dr. Marketing Writer that “in space, no one can hear you scream.”

They’re using a smart phone application that was custom-designed by the Cambridge University Space Flight and is cryptically called the Scream in Space app. (Neither school has confirmed whether ice cream is involved.) When activated, it will play several pre-recorded screams, and then check to see if the phone’s receiver “hears” it.

Not only is this a landmark case for testing movie theories, but it will also be the first use of the voice feature on a smartphone since 2005.

Bad form, India

British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.
British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.

While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.

Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!

It’s this century’s equivalent of the JFK assassination

We’ve been informing the populace about a much-needed invasion: Sadiya, aka, the Bay of Spiders. We warned the world about the outbreak. We even warned the world about the potential monsters involved.

Now we’re being told it’s a hoax.

“There are no killer spiders in the area” is what’s being tossed around by supposed “experts.”

Both Dr Saikia and Chetia said there was no evidence of any spider species in Assam and the Northeast which could cause human deaths. “There is no evidence of any such spider in the region whose bite could lead to human death,” Dr Saikia said.

Any spider that’s alive is prove against that theory. Because if they could, they would eat you in a heartbeat.

We know our enemy and it is multi-legged

Last week, we told you about the horrifying events transpiring in Sadiya, India. As if a SyFy channel horror movie came to life, an innocent town celebrating a festival saw a swarm of monstrously aggressive spiders invade their residence. People died and the culprit had yet to be determined.

Things have progressed since then.

An elite team of scientists have managed to capture one of the unknown arachnids. While under their constant surveillance, the spider has identified as a tarantula. Or at least, it’s similar to a tarantula. The uniqueness of the venom and their behavior tendencies are throwing off some of the signs.

Whatever the beast is, godspeed to you brave biology nerds. May your determined endeavors uncover a cure in the form of a beautiful plague that can be used on these abominations.

Someone call John Goodman

The scene: Sadiya, a town in India. The mood: terror. The situation: two innocent victims. The perp: terrifyingly deadly spiders.

The villagers were doing nothing antagonistic, simply celebrating a Hindu festival. Cue the swarm. Legion upon legion of eight-legged freaks appeared in the town, casting a web of horror. Scientists aren’t sure yet what could be the exact culprit. It’s guessed that it could be a tarantula, a wishbone or even a funnel-web spider.

Except, neither of those two are native to the area. In fact, there’s been no record of venomous spiders in the area. Ever.

This is clearly an insidious plot created by the animal kingdom. Create a new deadly weapon and test it on an unwitting population. Who are they, the Russians?

Maybe our countries aren’t so different

For years, people have labeled cops into two categories: The ones in shape, and the ones that are horribly out of shape, and when we mean out of shape, brother, these men create their own shapes. Okay, so, maybe people have labeled cops in more than just those two categories, but for the purpose of this post, let’s just go with the above.

BUT, we may have now found our new across the globe brother in arms: New Delhi. Five policemen recently died on the job. The cause of death? Heart attacks in all, apparently happening while the guys were taking part in a physical fitness test required to be promoted.

So, I guess that’d place under the latter of the two categories that we mentioned earlier: The ones that are horribly out of shape. Right? Maybe not so much. While…

Most of those competing in the race were in their mid-40s and were described as “middle aged and unfit”….


the constables who died had been suffering from heart complaints and high blood pressure but either “did not inform the department of their ailments or they were not themselves aware of the disease”.

It might be safe to say that New Delhi doesn’t F around with having officers that are in shape:

A further 100 officers fainted during the trial in which they had to run 10 kilometres in less than ninety minutes in high monsoon temperatures.

Clearly, New Delhi cops are like the Wu Tang Clan.

We’ve never asked for anything before

Good day, dear reader. (Yes, you.) Do you enjoy the SeriouslyGuys Web site, including features like “Ask Dr. Snee,” serifed headlines and a jarringly bleak background?

SG is a non-profit company–as in we’ve never made a profit off of our merch–and we’re mostly OK with that. But, you have an opportunity to help us not only continue our ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, but maybe even kick it up a notch. This is up for auction right now:

This is Umed Singh II’s 1925 Rolls-Royce Phantom. It was custom-built for hunting tigers with “a double-barreled shotgun, spotlights for night hunting and a mountable Lantaka cannon.” It is our Batmobile, if Batman made love to his car’s jet engine every night. And, most importantly, it will help us compete with the new Whale Wars spinoff in Denmark.

We just need $1 million. We will pay you back in tiger testicles.

Fast food is fast rising in foreign countries

Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, all owned by Pepsi spinoff Yum! Brands, are gaining ground on McDonalds in China, India and Russia. With 37,000 restaurants in 110 countries, Yum! is the world’s largest restaurant chain in terms of outlets and its growing in popularity overseas, bringing in more money every year. That’s a lot of saturated fat.

Yum! opened its first KFC in China, near the infamous Tiananmen Square, 23 years ago, and its decision to hit the ground early in China (McDonalds opened in China in 1990) has given it an edge over the competition.

The company has more than 70 KFCs in India and 160 Pizza Huts, which sort of makes sense. In a country that (essentially) shuns the consumption of beef, giving a trans-fat filled alternative is a fairly smart idea. The company says it will have 1,000 outlets by 2015, employing 50,000 people around the world and bringing in $100 million in profits. Hope you’ve got a hankering for triple protein pizza sauce bun-sticks.

Chicken flavored ketchup?

Or perhaps it’s soylent green flavor?

Six factory workers drowned in a vat of ketchup. It’s a sticky situation that would have never happened if someone hadn’t been extra thick about safety regulations. And I imagine they’re not going to be able to shake a drop out of the company in the ensuing lawsuits.

This is the price the world pays, America, for that last little bit stuck in the bottom of the bottle you throw away instead of cutting open the bottle and digging it out with a spatula.

The only good reason to buy an iPhone

You know those jerks who are always on their cell phones? Next time you see one, give him or her a hug.

According to a new study in India, bees are dying off because of the radiation given off by cell phones. That means you are helping to fight the War on Animals, even when you’re not trying to. Researchers put cell phones on bee hives, which kind of seems like giving aid and comfort to the enemy, until they found that the hives stopped producing eggs and honey.

Answer your phone, it’s glory calling.