Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

2017: A Booze Odyssey

One small batch for man, one giant beer run for mankind.

The Guys are all about space travel … so long as we work out a few hitches first. Most notably: the distinct lack of sustainable alcohol supplies up there in the void.

Bringing your own vodka with you like a cosmonaut is fine if you only plan to backpack to low Earth orbit for a weekend. But, for extended stays on the moon and beyond? Let’s just say we don’t want to risk over-reliance on resupply missions from an organization that prizes buzzcuts more than getting buzzed. (Yes, we mean you, NASA.)

Fortunately, UC San Diego undergrads are on the space case race. Team Original Gravity, a group of engineering students, hope to win a trip into space to brew our first lunar beer. They are competing for a spot on TeamIndus’ moonlander against 25 other finalists, so they could use our help with sponsorships.

Of course, we’re pulling all support if they go up there and make another g*ddamn IPA. (You’ve been warned, Team OG.)

Pigeon arrested trying to draw India, Pakistan into war

Pakistan and India aren’t the greatest of friends, in fact, things are quite tense between the two nations. So it should come as no surprise that the animals are taking advantage of this.

Indian authorities say they have arrested a pigeon that was found carrying a threatening message aimed at Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. The bird is being held for questioning, and Indian authorities have already blamed a Pakistani group for the message, but we know better. We know that pigeons can read. So it makes sense that they would use this ability to exploit friction between counties. If we’re busy fighting each other, we won’t be ready when the animals attack.

It’s pure genius. Now we know what we’re up against.

Only a good guy with a knife …

Although the patient has sworn off of knives, the surgical team "told him if you ever feel like you need more iron in your body, try spinach." Doctors got jokes, son!
Although the patient has sworn off of knives, the surgical team “told him if you ever feel like you need more iron in your body, try spinach.” Doctors got jokes, son!

Surgeons in India cut 40 knives out of the stomach of a man who compulsively ate them. He swallowed folding knifes whole — some folded, some open. Some were even broken and rusting in his stomach.

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: the only cure for knife problems is more knives.

Hindus and don’ts

OK, so maybe wearing the country's flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.
OK, so maybe wearing the country’s flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.

India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi found himself in a situation rarely seen off the cover of a Robert E. Howard novel: staring at a statue of himself in a temple built by political followers who also kind of, you know, worship him.

Hundreds of his followers in the western city of Rajkot donated funds for a temple that features a seated statue of Modi and is topped out with a wind gauge shaped like a lotus, the symbol of his Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP).

Modi stated for the record that he was appalled and that “This is shocking and against India’s great traditions. Building such temples is not what our culture teaches us.”

“Besides,” he added, “It’s not like I’m Ronald Reagan.”

Gandhi’s back in simultaneous beer- and robot-form

The New England Brewery Company said it was sorry if it had offended anyone by using Gandhi's name and image for its ‘Gandhi-Bot’ India Pale Ale and hopes that anyone who is offended doesn't miss any meals over it.
The New England Brewery Company said it was sorry if it had offended anyone by using Gandhi’s name and image for its “Gandhi-Bot” India Pale Ale and hopes that anyone who is offended doesn’t miss any meals over it.

In trying to honor Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi in the most noble way possible — with beer — The New England Brewery Company pissed off his family. Gandhi’s great-grandson, Tushar Gandhi, has threatened to sue the brewery for putting his image on their cans of “Gandhi-Bot,” an India pale ale.

According to Tushar Gandhi, his great-grandfather “abhorred alcohol drinking and spoke against it.” Granted, Gandhi didn’t eat food, either, so using his image for any consumables is — at the very least — self-defeating.

Perhaps what makes the brewery’s use of Gandhi to sell beer is that they used him to sell IPA. No, not because it’s kind of racist; because IPAs suck.

Booray for Bollywood!

It is a sad day, a black day, for men, as we’ve now lost yet another traditional manly job in the name of political correctness.

After nearly 60 years of being effectively banned from Bollywood — the nickname for India’s impressive movie industry — women are finally being allowed to work as make-up artists in film productions. This comes from their Supreme Court striking down rules in the Cine Costume and Make-up Artist Association bylaws that made it virtually impossible for any woman to become a member.

Honestly, though. If women start doing make-up in Bollywood, what’s next? Women hairdressers?

We have no idea how women who aspire to be make-up artists in Bollywood will celebrate. We just hope that it is gracious, dignified and, most of all, restrained.

Indian finance minister probed over UFO hobby

Oh, sure. It’s OK to believe in invisible hands guiding markets and the imaginary value of numbers, but flying saucers is a bridge too far.

We’ve said it before, but let us say it again: macroeconomics and the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life visiting our planet do not mix.

And yet this old adage didn’t stop Indian finance minister, Arun Jaitley, from interrupting his usual Facebook posts about the current state and future of India’s rail fares and fuel prices with a quick celebration of World UFO Day.

The truth was only out there briefly before fans of the page took Minister Jaitley to task, and his staff removed the post.

Who would have thought that armchair economists prefer their stuffy Internet- browsing devoid of interest? (We did.)

Indians love whiskey

No, not Native Americans, you racists. The people who live in India.

The guys were shocked to find that India consumes half of all of the whiskey in the world. Sure, they have a lot of people there, and have reasonable access to whiskies from Asia, Europe, and the Americas, but who thinks of India when they think of brown liquor?

Folks, we need to do better. The Guys are doing their part, but we can’t do it alone. We need you to step up to the bar and step it up. Let’s bring the title back to its rightful home.

In space, no one can hear you scream about roaming charges

Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer's June 1978 claim that we'll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.
Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer’s June 1978 claim that we’ll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.

Researchers from the University of Surrey launched a smartphone into orbit from India. They will then test the theory presented in the May 1979 issue of renown science journal, Poster for Alien, by Dr. Marketing Writer that “in space, no one can hear you scream.”

They’re using a smart phone application that was custom-designed by the Cambridge University Space Flight and is cryptically called the Scream in Space app. (Neither school has confirmed whether ice cream is involved.) When activated, it will play several pre-recorded screams, and then check to see if the phone’s receiver “hears” it.

Not only is this a landmark case for testing movie theories, but it will also be the first use of the voice feature on a smartphone since 2005.